Charles Darwin at a green chalkboard.

2014 Darwin Awards

Honoring Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool--by removing themselves from it in the most spectacular way possible.

The Thing Ring
2014 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

(May 2014, England) In the interest of public safety, Darwin Awards editors are releasing this ribald event to the public to serve as a warning to adventurous amorous males. The event was brought to our attention by an eyewitness, who provided additional details (withheld for privacy reasons) to confirm it.

"Being part of emergency services, firemen are called upon to get people out of unlikely situations. We were summoned to the A&E Department of a central London hospital to assist in removing a "thing ring." With our ring cutters at the ready, we were presented with the patient, his 'meat and two veg' extremely swollen and such a dark purple that they were almost blackened. The whole sorry mess was encircled by a thick titanium ring. Normally the procedure to remove a thing ring is a five-minute affair, but our cutters could not make a mark on the titanium! After expending a number of cutter blades we had to concede defeat.

"The man in question had put himself into this situation three days prior to committing himself to A&E, delaying the hospital visit due to embarrassment and a vain hope that it would resolve itself in time. Unfortunately this error in judgement cost him dearly. The wonderful doctors can often drain blood and remove the ring the way it went on--yet by the time he sought help, and our tools had been defeated, his jewels was past saving. Full castration--the result of the man's own actions and decisions--make this eunuch a self-selected nominee for a living Darwin Award.

Reference: Eyewitness Neil Lague-Smity

What Readers Think

"One of my biggest complaints at the Emergency Rooms
I worked at was that none had bought decent ring cutters.
The ones they had struggled with gold and silver rings."

"Many ER's still use outdated $10 ring cutters that are nearly useless.
Electric ring cutters with diamond cutting blades are only a couple
hundred dollars. Every single ER should own and maintain one."

"At least he was having a ball!"

"Not anymore."

"Doesn't sound likely....rings falsetto to me."

"On the bright side, his odds of catching STD just dropped dramatically."

"That's a real cock up LOL"

"Lesson here? Use a silicone ring."

"Necrosis of the yarbles is a dark subject, indeed."

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