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2000 Personal Accounts
The Darwin Awards salutes the spirit portrayed in the following personal accounts, submitted by loyal (and sometimes reluctant) readers. Next


2000 Personal Account

(March 2000) Anyone who works in the medical profession has come across at least one Darwin Award nominee. When I meet someone who has worked in a hospital, I make it a habit to ask about the most bizarre thing they've ever seen. They rarely disappoint.

From the spate of teenage girls here in the UK trying to get intimate with Coke bottles (they take the lid off and then find that the resulting suction traps the bottle) to the ever-increasing body of men who feel the urge to cram things into their anuses, you could fill an entire medical casebook on the subject of "What The Fuck Is Wrong With People?"

One ward sister told me about a man who came in attached to his vacuum cleaner. In an attempt to enjoy maximum suction, he had removed the nozzle attachment and tried to get jiggy with the socket on the unit itself, not realizing that there are moving parts in there. He had the presence of mind to call a cab and throw on a raincoat, aside from which he was naked, and rush to the hospital clutching the vacuum cleaner in front of him. He lost half his penis.

Continuing the involuntary emasculation theme, another man went to his General Practitioner in agony, and confessed that he had used an entire jar of Spanish Fly. (This is a cream applied to the male member to stimulate blood flow and maintain an erection for a prolonged period, for anyone in from Utah.) The consequent erection had lasted for an entire week. The doctor had to inform him that it was possible to get his erection to subside, but that he would never get another one -- he had burst every blood vessel in his organ.

Then there was the couple who came in, deeply embarrassed, the girl bleeding profusely from her crotch. After much coaxing and cajoling she still wouldn't talk about what was wrong, so the staff turned to the boyfriend, who had stayed silent, to try and find out what was up. Eventually he opened his mouth to speak and instantly everything was clear: he had train-track braces on his teeth, and trapped in them were several small bloody, fleshy lumps of labia. He had been attempting to perform cunnilingus, but clearly wasn't yet used to his new braces...

All the above are from England, but I do have one story I was told by an American, who swore to its veracity. His friend works in a hospital in Queens, and last year they had a particularly startling case come in to the Emergency Room -- a woman who had employed a piece of watermelon rind to entice a rat to crawl into her vagina. It sounds like animal experimentation, or maybe performance art, but apparently she was doing it merely for her own gratification. Whether she had tried this maneuver before, no one could ascertain, but on this occasion it didn't go entirely according to plan. After he had been snugly inserted, the rat started to nibble on the watermelon rind, but quickly learnt what any Coke bottle could tell you: there's no air in there. We can only hope it died happy. As soon as she realized that the rat was stationary, the woman tried to remove it by pulling the only part of the animal that was still visible -- its tail. When the tail came off in her hand she realized she was going to have to go to hospital to have the rest of the rat removed professionally.

There are more -- there are always more -- but that will do for now. I hope these have jollied you up a little. © 1994 - 2020

Submitted by: A. Cheffie

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