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1999 Personal Accounts
The Darwin Awards salutes the spirit portrayed in the following personal accounts, submitted by loyal (and sometimes deceased) readers. Next


Unkindest Cut of All 
1999 Personal Account

(1999, Utah) I read that crime movies mayh be on its way out. Being in a real-life crime drama every day, I don't worry about missing out on the big-screen action.

What real cops see is not endless gunfights and unwarranted intrusions into suspected hideouts, but rather, real-life dramas that play out every day. Here is a sneak preview of a past attraction that never made it to the box office, but is entertaining one nonetheless.

Let's call it "Blade Runner, the Sequel."

A young shoplifter gazes wistfully at a large open-blade knife on a department store counter. This particular knife outshone the others on display. A knife of this magnitude must have been designed for the competitive skinning of large water buffalo.

The soon-to-be thief must have visualized how macho the knife would look strapped to his hip as he strolled down the street. A buffalo skin draped around him, the horns upon his helmet, the Viking, the warrior! These delusions of grandeur, along with no money and a lack of good sense, led this boy to sieze the glimmering prize from the display case and head for the exit. He slid the knife down the front of his pants. Apparently his common sense had vanished.

Remember, two of the knife's greatest attributes were its length and its keen edge: two attributes no man in his right mind wants down the front of his pants. And the faster the boy ran to escape with his prize, the more little cuts he got below the belt.

To make a long story short, the boy ended up in the bathroom of a nearby restaurant, blood trickling down his leg. Police were called and the boy confessed. Fortunately, he ended up more embarrassed than hurt, with only a few minor cuts where the sun doesn't shine. But a large slice had been trimmed from his ego.

The knife was returned, and even today it sits in the display case, weaving faraway dreams for those who gaze upon its sheen. But the only place this knife has been is down the pants of a young Viking.

By Sgt. David W. Lundberg, an 18-year police veteran.

Submitted by: Norbert Wiehl, DEPFA-BANK

Reference: Sgt. David W. Lundberg, Salt Lake Tribune, Utah
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