The Darwin Awards 
Darwin Awards
At-Risk Survivors
Slush Pile
1999 Darwins
Living on Zionist Time
Fatal Footsie
Gone Fishin'
Hurricane News Junkie
Copper Caper
Darwin Awards Shorts
Burmese Python
Sink the Cue Ball
Dead Spitter
Up In Smoke
The Winner Gets... a Post Mortem
Firefighters Ignite!
The Bumbershoot
Smarter Animals
Flames of Passion
Go Speed Racer Go
Peeper Plummets
Shell Shot
Intelligence Blunders
Walking on Water
Dum Dum Boutique
Snake Charmer?
Lights Out
What's New Pussycat?
Laughing Gas
Yosemite Hike
Maine Chainsaw Romance
Resistance is Futile
Rob Your Neighbor
Love Crushed Sex
Wet Will He
Good Trumps Evil at Church
Power of Satan?
Mental Eclipse
Liposuction Tragedy
Sex and Suffocation
Hard Work Rewards
Wild Animal Lesson
Stay With the Herd!
Fatal Footwear Fashion
Yosemite Parachute Safety
Killer Whale Rodeo
Wiped Out
Avoiding a Fight
That Sinking Feeling
Show Off
Poisonous Pets
Sauna Kills Monk
Silenced by the Lambs
Paragliding vs. Parasailing
Other Darwin Years 
2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008 2007 2006 2005 2004 2003 2002 2001 2000 1999 1998 1997 1996 1995 1994 Vintage
~ Random Story ~
Email Alert!
NEW! Gift Shop
Rules  Search
Contact Darwin
Submit a Story
Philosophy Forum


Darwin Awards
1999 Darwin Awards
Email a Friend Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it. Next

Burmese Python 
1999 Darwin Award Nominee
Unconfirmed by Darwin

(1999, Nevada) A man was found dead in his Fallon, Nevada residence, an apparent victim of strangulation by of his 15ft Burmese Python. The man was handling his pet when the snake mistook his hand for dinner, clamped its jaws around it, and began constricting around his arm. Snakes are solid muscle, and a python this size is far more powerful than any mortal man. Once the snake begins to constrict, only a lever or a sharp knife can persuade the serpent to abandon its course of action. Knowing this, the owner had nevertheless failed to keep a tool handy.

The snake began swallowing his hand, and constricting around his body in an attempt to quell the spasms of the thrashing prey. The man instructed his hysterical wife, who was too scared to approach the snake, to call 911. But the authorities arrived too late. The snake had already constricted around its owner's chest and squeezed him breathless. It is to be hoped that the snake owner used his free arm to beat his helpless wife senseless before he died. © 1994 - 2012

Submitted by: Rich Brown

Nathaniel notes, "You mention that only a lever or a knife would have saved the man. In the interest of science and saving a few unlucky snakes, I hope you will include the fact that alcohol would have done the trick. Snakes don't like their liquor, so spraying alcohol on the head of a snake will cause it to stop biting. Since most of the idiots who get bitten by their 15 foot snakes also have alcohol around, this could save some lives, both human and reptilian, in the future.


Previous Directions Next

The Darwin Awards Gift Shop

The Darwin Awards Condom

Keep yourself out of the gene pool!
A condom in a matchbook, useful for emergency contraception, bachelor parties, frat parties, and important rites of passage. LOADED inside and out with funny quotes and stories. Everyone loves this item!
Friends don't let friends reproduce!
$13 for Pack of 4



Advanced Search

HomeRulesFAQsAwardsSlushSite Map
DarwinAward | HonorableMention | PersonalAccount | UrbanLegend