The Darwin Awards 
HOME
Darwin Awards
At-Risk Survivors
Slush Pile
1999 Darwins
Living on Zionist Time
Fatal Footsie
Gone Fishin'
Hurricane News Junkie
Darwin Awards Shorts
Copper Caper
Up In Smoke
Dead Spitter
Sink the Cue Ball
Burmese Python
The Bumbershoot
Smarter Animals
Firefighters Ignite!
The Winner Gets... a Post Mortem
Go Speed Racer Go
Flames of Passion
Roller-Coaster
Peeper Plummets
Intelligence Blunders
Walking on Water
Shell Shot
Dum Dum Boutique
Snake Charmer?
Lights Out
Laughing Gas
What's New Pussycat?
Maine Chainsaw Romance
Yosemite Hike
Rob Your Neighbor
Resistance is Futile
Breatharianism
Love Crushed Sex
Good Trumps Evil at Church
Wet Will He
Power of Satan?
Sex and Suffocation
Mental Eclipse
Liposuction Tragedy
Hard Work Rewards
Wild Animal Lesson
Stay With the Herd!
Ur-inate-iot
Yosemite Parachute Safety
Fatal Footwear Fashion
Wiped Out
Killer Whale Rodeo
That Sinking Feeling
Avoiding a Fight
Show Off
Sleepfalling
Poisonous Pets
Sauna Kills Monk
Silenced by the Lambs
Paragliding vs. Parasailing
Other Darwin Years 
2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008 2007 2006 2005 2004 2003 2002 2001 2000 1999 1998 1997 1996 1995 1994 Vintage
 
~ Random Story ~
Email Alert!
NEW! Gift Shop
Rules  Search
Contact Darwin
Submit a Story
Philosophy Forum
Home

  

Darwin Awards
1999 Darwin Awards
Email a Friend Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it. Next
Prev
Random

Maine Chainsaw Romance 
1999 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(5 July 1999, Maine) An internet romance blossomed then faded, after a Missouri man traveled to Maine to meet his destiny. In a bizarre merging of "You've Got Mail" with "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," James swung a chainsaw and severed his own neck, in a futile effort to prove his love to the woman who had spurned his face-to-face romance.

He began his relationship with "Beth" over the internet a year ago, and moved from Missouri to Topsham, Maine on June 23 to further the affair. Instead, she insisted upon ending the relationship. Distraught, James drove to her house on River Road, knocked on the door, and asked her adult son to get his mother. The son refused and locked all the doors. James pulled a chainsaw from his trunk, stood on the lawn, and performed his macho act in a vain attempt to impress the depth of his feelings upon the woman.

Police arrived to find him barely alive. "There was blood all over. I couldn't see where the wound was," explained William Robbins of the Sagadahoc County Sheriff's Department. James died in the hospital shortly thereafter.

Debra, a friend of the deceased, believes that "Beth" abused James' affection. "He spent thousands of dollars on calls, email, computers," she said, "and also helped that woman pay her bills." Debra received a desperate phone call just hours before he took his life. She reported that he begged, "Tell me you forgive me." She did, and then the phone went dead. She attempted to alert authorities but had insufficient information regarding his whereabouts.

James had attempted suicide five years earlier, and had seemingly recovered his equilibrium. He purchased the chainsaw in Maine a week prior to his sensational death.

One last oddity: James has two brothers also named James, and the three are distinguished by middle names. Is this clear sign of parental lunacy a coincidence, or the cause of his insanity? You be the judge!

DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2012
S
ubmitted by: Jeremy Fletcher, Matt Piechota,
Gabriel Chapman
, Stewart Bushman, Jeff Vier
Reference: San Jose Mercury News, www.infobeat.com,
CNN, Portland Press

Simon Mermelstein says, "James having two brothers also named James, distinguished by different middle names, is not a sign of stupidity but rather an Amish tradition, in which all boys are named after a family member and called by their middle names."
Previous Directions Next

The Darwin Awards Gift Shop

The Darwin Awards Condom

Keep yourself out of the gene pool!
A condom in a matchbook, useful for emergency contraception, bachelor parties, frat parties, and important rites of passage. LOADED inside and out with funny quotes and stories. Everyone loves this item!
Friends don't let friends reproduce!
$13 for Pack of 4

 

 

HomeRulesFAQsAwardsSlushSite Map
DarwinAward | HonorableMention | PersonalAccount | UrbanLegend