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2005 Personal Accounts
The Darwin Awards salutes the spirit portrayed in the following personal accounts, submitted by loyal (and sometimes reluctant) readers. Next Prev Random


Tight Wad
2005 Personal Account

(Summer 2003, England) I am a key Intensive Care staff member in Buckinghamshire. One summer day a patient was brought in, sirens screaming. The 38-year-old was obviously the victim of an explosion, with shrapnel wounds and gunpowder burns on his face and abdomen. His thigh and groin had also sustained serious injury, although his testicles were intact.

We removed a three-inch section of twisted pipe from his abdomen, repaired his large intestine, and sealed ruptured vessels to control bleeding. After five hours of surgery, the patient was admitted to ICU on a ventilator and blood and plasma expanders.

The police thought he might be a terrorist whose bomb had detonated prematurely, and they placed a media restriction on him. Due to the restriction, the full details never appeared in the press, but the story started to emerge when we spoke to the man's brother-in-law.

The victim was not a terrorist at all, but an unemployed van driver. During a family get-together, he took his 13-year-old nephew down to his brother-in-law's garden shed for a fishing lesson. To catch fish at the local quarry, he planned to teach the boy a technique he had pioneered in his youth: tossing homemade explosives into the lake and collecting the stunned fish that floated to the surface.

This clever fisherman cut a section of 5-cm scaffolding pipe and hammered one end closed. Then he packed it with a pad of cotton, rammed home with a smaller section of steel pipe. On top of this he poured a substantial amount of gunpowder taken from bootleg Chinese aerial fireworks, which are illegal in the UK. His plan was to place another cotton pad on top of the gunpowder, and seal the whole bundle with a plug of wood.

Considerable hammering and noise was required to get a "tight wad." As it was Sunday, the brother-in-law was worried that the neighbours would complain about the noise. Twice, he asked his relative to cease and desist, and finally took his son and proceeded back toward the house.

Meanwhile, this Darwin candidate continued to ram home the pipe's contents while holding the device between his legs for stability. As the gentleman explained to me some weeks later, "My big mistake was when I used the steel pipe to pack the tube, instead of the end of the wooden hammer-handle."

Indeed. The brother-in-law and his son were 30 feet from the shed when a spark ignited the gunpowder.

The pipe bomb shot the wooden plug into his eye orbit, whilst the body of the pipe unwrapped like a cardboard tube, and launched itself into the gentleman's abdomen. The blunt lateral force stopped the pipe from ejecting from his body, but the impact lacerated his bowels, while the shock force and shrapnel caused massive haemorrhaging.

The candidate lost a major part of his thigh, but the upward force of the explosion protected his testicles from injury, so his genes were not lost to humanity. He survived the incident, and has therefore not quite fulfilled the full Darwin Award criteria, although the facial disfigurement may yet ensure that his genes are not propagated.

One comment made the Trauma team's day. The surgeon displayed a 3 inch metal fragment from the man's abdomen and announced to all and sundry, "Who's going to contact the Darwin Awards, then?" All four doctors, three nurses and and two technicians cracked up laughing. Medical humour! © 1994 - 2020
Submitted by: Ches Whistler

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