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2002 Personal Accounts
The Darwin Awards salutes the spirit portrayed in the following personal accounts, submitted by loyal (and sometimes reluctant) readers. Next Prev Random


Rectum Nearly Killed'm
2002 Personal Account

(June 2000) As a nurse in the intensive care unit of a large medical center, I've had the opportunity to care for many potential recipients of the Darwin Award. The man in this story didn't lose his life, but lost his dignity and claim to common sense, among other injuries.

At 3AM one morning, the charge nurse called to tell me to expect a patient from the ER who had just had an emergency bowel resection. Trying to stifle her laughter, she said the report nurse would call soon to fill me in on the details.

My coworkers and I speculated about possible reasons someone would require emergency bowel surgery in the middle of the night. Finally, the phone rang, and we sat in rapt silence to take the report on this unfortunate soul.

A 40-year-old white male came in complaining of abdominal pain and rectal bleeding. He claimed to be unaware of any reason for such symptoms. But during his examination, the physician discovered a coat hanger protruding from the patient's rectum.

When questioned, the man admitted he had inflicted this injury upon himself. Earlier that night, while his wife was at work, he was "pleasuring himself" when he had an urge to push an uncooked egg into his anus. Panicked when he lost it "up there," he tried to fish it out with the crooked end of a coat hanger. But the coat hanger became snagged!

He decided that maybe the vibration from a ride on his motorcycle would cause the whole mess to dislodge from his nether region. Finally, unable to stand the growing pain, he rode his motorcycle to the ER.

The physician removed the coat hanger, and repaired his intestines.

An hour later, his wife arrived. Minutes later, she stormed out of the room and demanded to be told what had happened. I told her she should ask her husband. She said he claimed that he didn't know, and that the medical staff wouldn't tell him anything. She was politely, but firmly, instructed to speak to the man's physician.

Darwin Says: More common than you'd think. © 1994 - 2020
Submitted by: James Chandley

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