1998 Urban Legends
Hedonist Air Pumpers
1998 Urban Legend
(16 April 1997) "The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping'," a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room."Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God." Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he sneaked in.
Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, but passersby are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight
fireworks display, and started clapping. "We still haven't located all of him.", say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something.""Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
Urban Legend Status conferred 31 Dec 97 Declared an urban legend by DarwinAwards.com on the following grounds: story reported on the internet with multiple dates of occurrence. Furthermore, it is impossible for methane in a person's rectum to explode when exposed to air. In the words of Thaddaeus A. Vick, "Ruptured colon I would believe." A reader of another Darwin Awards page recalls reading the story in the Funny Old World column of England's satirical Private Eye Magazine. Finally, a reader with a theological bent points out that a hospital spokesman in Thailand is unlikely to make references to God and Satan, which are not relevant to the largely non-theistic Buddhist population.
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