(2000, England) This tale proves that crime does pay, if you're fishing for elective surgery to go along with your stolen goods.
A 24-year-old supermarket shoplifter stuffed a pair of live lobsters in his pants and sprinted for the door, but he never had a chance. The violated crustaceans brought the thief to his knees in front of startled cashiers when they fastened their powerful claws around his delicate parts.
Doctors were able to remove the animals with pliers. They say the thief will fully recover -- except for one small detail. "It was a do-it-yourself vasectomy." This man's daring supermarket exploits make him one of the few Darwin Award winners to live to tell the tale.
The supermarket manager declined to press charges, saying the culprit has already "gone through enough pain (to) learn his lesson."
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Submitted by: Charles Rex
Reference: The Los Angeles Times says this story occurred in Bristol, England, while the Key West Citizen states that it happened in Florida. I suspect that it's an Urban Legend, but can't say for sure. Cindi requested confirmation from the Key West Citizen; Online Editor Tom Tuell first claimed it had come from a local police report, but later recanted with a sob story about a restricted budget, and confessed that the editor "found it on the Internet."
This story might not be true! Florida Lobsters, astoundingly enough, have no large claw! And in any case, lobster claws are restrained with rubber bands by the time they get to the supermarket. Furthermore, my urologist reader deemed the story "highly unlikely" as any force strong enough to sterilize him (sever the vas deferens) would almost certainly crush the blood vessels, necessitating removal of the testes.