The Darwin Awards 
HOME
Darwin Awards
At-Risk Survivors
Slush Pile
2009 Mentions
Mortar Fire
The Mane Attraction
ICanSayIToldYouSo
My Father, the PhD
Down In The Dumps
Single Bud Vase
Boom Boom Bees
Nitrating The Unknown
Chutes and Spills
Not Even Half-Baked
Homemade Howitzer
Cap-ping Cap-pow
White Spirit
Pill Pusher
Clap Clap Clap Your Hands
Bonehead Bowling
A Putty Bullet
Duct Don't
Gimpy Wendy
Hot Buns
Mr. Tinker
Ninja Wannabe
Agua Ski Calamity
Cats Land On All Fours
Ninja Deer Hunter
Christmas Light Zinger
An Un-Fun Whirlwind
The Great Fruitcake Incident
Popsicle
Tennis Blow
Caps'n'Hammer Kid
Motorized Bar Stool
Locker Room Humor
A Clear Lesson
A Drilliant Idea
Birch Slapped
Against The Odds, Nothing!
Other Mention Years 
2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008 2007 2006 2005 2004 2003 2002 2001 2000 1999 Vintage
 
~ Random Story ~
Email Alert!
NEW! Gift Shop
Rules  Search
Contact Darwin
Submit a Story
Philosophy Forum
Home

  

Darwin Awards
2009 At-Risk Survivor
Email a Friend The stupidity displayed by the participants in the following tales stops short of the ultimate Darwin Awards sacrifice. Nevertheless, we salute the spirit and innovation of their misadventures. Next Prev Random

My Father, the PhD
2009 At-Risk Survivor
Unconfirmed by Darwin

This is the World's Best At-Risk Survivor. Let an amused daughter tell you about her sire.

This weekend was the final straw. Being an extremely cost-conscious person, Dad decided that putting half a can of varnish in the toaster oven to liquefy it was the cheapest approach. You guessed it--the stuff caught fire! I found him in front of the flaming oven contemplating picking up the can with his bare hands. Two-foot flames were shooting out of it, causing me to utter a line spoken far too many times in our house: <I>"What in God's name were you thinking?"</I>

Father's attempts at Darwin Fame have included:

1) Tipping a small boat on Cayuga Lake while fishing, almost drowning my brother and himself. At the time, I thought Mom was being too hard on him when she said it was his own fault that he was in the hospital. I have since revised my judgment.

2) Removing a branch from a locust tree by climbing a ladder with a running chainsaw. The branch was not tied off properly, so it fell onto a shed roof that he was trying to avoid.

3) Rolling a lawn tractor on top of himself by mowing a roadside ditch at a steep angle, resulting in a broken rib--and poison ivy for me, because I spent ten minutes thrashing around in the vegetation while we tried to roll the tractor off Dad. Again.

4) Fourth but not last, lighting a fire in a basement trash burner that was not connected to an exhaust pipe. The fire department loves us.

5) Wandering off to watch the evening news after starting some water to boil in an aluminum dutch oven. Note that the Merck Index lists the melting point of aluminum as 660 degrees C. When Mom discovered the situation, the pot walls were glowing bright red, the bottom was melted out, and the kitchen wall was smoking.

6) Testing the efficacy of old Nitroglycerin tablets by swallowing three at once to see if they still worked. I did say he was cheap, er, cost conscious. The EMS came to the rescue because his blood pressure had dropped to an undesirable level and he was passed out at the kitchen table. Mere minutes before, he was planning a drive to the donut shop. Thank God he didn't make it to the car before his blood pressure dropped!

He may not yet have used up nine lives, but my father, the PhD, appears to have a running start on Darwin infamy.

MEDIA REFERENCES

DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2012
Submitted by: Stephanie Schaaf

Awful? 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Great?
Hate it! Love it!
Previous Directions Next

The Darwin Awards Gift Shop

The Darwin Awards Condom

Keep yourself out of the gene pool!
A condom in a matchbook, useful for emergency contraception, bachelor parties, frat parties, and important rites of passage. LOADED inside and out with funny quotes and stories. Everyone loves this item!
Friends don't let friends reproduce!
$13 for Pack of 4

 

 

HomeRulesFAQsAwardsSlushSite Map
DarwinAward | HonorableMention | PersonalAccount | UrbanLegend