My Dad, the PhD, at this point is trying for an all time Darwin award for number of attempts to enter the record book. This weekend was the final straw. Being an extremely cost conscious person, he decided that putting a half empty can of varnish in the toaster oven to liquefy it was the best approach. You guessed it; the stuff caught fire! After I found him in front of the toaster oven contemplating picking up the can with one to two foot flames coming out of the top of the can with his bare hands, I used a line I heard from him way too many times in my youth (What in God's name were you thinking?). His attempts at Darwin Fame have included the following:

1) tipping over a small boat on Cayuga Lake, NY while fishing and almost drowning my brother and himself (at the time I thought my Mom was being too hard on him when she called me and told me that he was in the hospital, but it was his own fault; I have since revised my judgment).

2) attempting to remove a branch from a locust tree while climbing a ladder with a running chain saw (branch was not tied off as he thought, and the branch fell on the roof of a shed that he was trying to avoid; the rope that was being held by my mother and a neighbor slipped, both fell, and my mother ended up with two black eyes because she fell head first into the neighbors knees).

3) tipping a lawn tractor over on himself by mowing a road side ditch (side of the ditch is at about a 45 degree angle) which resulted in a broken rib for him and poison ivy for me (I spent about 10 minutes standing in the stuff while we tried to roll the tractor off of him).

4) Lighting a fire in a basement trash burner that was not connected to a stove pipe - the fire department really loves us.

5)taking 3 old Nitroglycerin tablets at once to see if they still worked - he'd just gotten a new prescription and wanted to determine if he should throw the old stuff out (I did tell you he was cheap, er.. cost conscious, right?). Again, the fire department and EMS arrived because his blood pressure had dropped to an almost undetectable level and he was passed out at the kitchen table. Mere minutes before this he had told my mother he was on the way to the local donut shop - thank God he didn't make it to the car before the BP dropped!

6)Almost starting the kitchen on fire by putting an aluminum dutch oven on the stove with several inches of water in it, starting the water to boil and then going into the living room to watch the evening news. The pan boiled dry, the pan heated to a high enough temperature to melt the bottom out of the pan (according the Merck Index lists the melting point of aluminum as 660 degrees C). When my Mom found it, the remaining walls of the pan were glowing bright red, and the wall behind the stove was starting to smoke.

Now while he may not have yet used up his nine lives and entered Darwin infamy, he certainly appears to have a running start on it.....

Submitted on 08/03/2009

Submitted by: Stephanie Schaaf
Reference: None

Copyright © 2009 DarwinAwards.com

Bruce said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
If I were you I'd stay as far away from your father as possible since it sounds like he's tried to take out family members on more than one occasion. Thanks for a humorous list!

James said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Good grief, Stephanie, how did you manage to survive to adulthood with all that going on??!! This was a hilarious list indeed, and as much as I hope he lives to a ripe old age, I fear he's got a few more tricks left! Thanks!

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