" Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by accidentally removing themselves from it. "
This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner. THREE independent groups of people attempted to remove the supports from beneath a barn, a water tower, and a heavy factory roof. In all cases, the structures collapsed without their aptly-named supports. Duh! This year brought us 16 jaw-droppping nominees, not counting new nominees for previous years and Near Misses (AKA At-Risk Survivors) which I will cover in the next ish.
Enjoy the stories of the winners... and be glad you're not one!
~ Wendy
THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNERS WERE SELECTED FROM 17 NOMINEES:
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Falling In Love (8976 votes) 80%
The Enema Within (4252 votes) 80%
Support Group (3728 votes) 78%
Weight Lift (2191 votes) 78%
Stop. Look. Listen. (1763 votes) 77%
Beer for Bears (2225 votes) 76%
Mole Hunt (5366 votes) 75%
A Prop-er Sendoff (4431 votes) 74%
Oil Tank Trampoline (5737 votes) 74%
A Cow-ardly Death (38 votes) 72%
Barn Demolition (3336 votes) 71%
Superior Momentum (2112 votes) 71%
Elephants Press Back (1249 votes) 71%
Electronic Fireworks (3620 votes) 70%
Fatal a-Traction (52 votes) 68%
The Laptop Still Works! (1172 votes) 57%
Fatal Foaming Action (1443 votes) 49%
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2007 Darwin Awards Nominees
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RUNNER UP # FIVE:
THE LAPTOP STILL WORKS (Confirmed True by Darwin)
"Driving is not a time to be practicing your multitasking skills,"
remarked CHP spokesman Tom Marshall, commenting on a 29-year-old
computer tutor's decision to drive along Highway 99 in California
while working on his laptop. He drifted over the center line, and
was killed by oncoming traffic. CHP officers found Oscar's computer
still running, plugged into the Honda Accord's cigarette lighter.
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RUNNER UP # FOUR:
SUPERIOR MOMENTUM (Confirmed True by Darwin)
June 2007, Illinois | Two Valparaiso men tested their reflexes by
playing "chicken" with a train. Which man could stay on the rail
the longest in the path of an oncoming train? At the stroke of
midnight, the contest was decided. The winner, aptly named
Patrick Stiff, lost his life. The train continued on,
as the conductor was unaware that it had hit anyone.
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RUNNER UP # THREE:
BARN DEMOLITION (Unconfirmed by Darwin)
January 2007, West Virginia) Three friends set out to dismantle a dilapidated barn one bracing winter afternoon. Speaking of bracing... One industrious man fired up his chainsaw and ripped through a crucial support post. Carrying the weight of a full barn roof, those wooden support beams were all that stood between the demolition worker and structural collapse. It was all fun and games until the roof, sans support, succumbed to the pull of gravity and flattened the man with the chainsaw. As a consolation prize, the deceased was indeed successful at demolishing the barn.
(Darwin notes, this story is unconfirmed, but no disputes have come to my attention, as usually happens with bogus stories.)
Addendum: This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner. Two other groups of people attempted to remove the supports from beneath a water tower, and a heavy factory roof. In both cases, the structure collapsed without their aptly-named supports. Duh!
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RUNNER UP # TWO:
MOLE HUNT (Confirmed True by Darwin)
January 2007, East Germany | One man's extraordinary effort to eradicate a mole from his property resulted in a victory for the mole. The metal rods he pounded into the ground and connected to a high-voltage power line, electrified the very ground the man stood upon. He was found dead at his holiday property on the Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property.
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RUNNER UP # ONE:
FALLING IN LOVE (Confirmed Double Darwin Award)
June 2007, South Carolina | A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old
deceased couple laying naked in the road an hour before sunrise.
Authorities were baffled. There were no witnesses, no trace of
clothing, and no wrecked vehicles present. But investigators
eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building:
two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new
meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped
metal roof. "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the
roof," Sgt. McCants said.
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AND THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS...
THE ENEMA WITHIN (Confirmed True by Darwin)
May 2004, Texas | Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary
alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well,
rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often
used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation.
And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party.
Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces,
right up the old address!
When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.
The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.
In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.
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Finally, my apologies to SIMON REDFERN (Independent.co.uk)
and other reporters who promised their loyal readerships the
2007 DARWIN AWARDS on January 1st, based on my ill-kept promise.
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Copyright 2008 DarwinAwards.com -- feel free to forward
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