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Darwin Awards
2015 Slush Pile

This item was recently submitted by a reader.
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Empty tanks, emptier head

2015 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

*personal account*

My immediate family used to take a vacation every year or so to my grandmother's farm in South Dakota. Besides a small cow herd, there wasn't much actual farming done she and her husband were long past retirement and her children had long moved out of state. This resulted in a large amount of derelict buildings, vehicles, farm equipment, and other things that were to young eyes amazingly cool to explore. It also resulted in a fair number of opportunities to get yourself injured or killed. Thus several of the oldest buildings were outright "off limits" on pain of an apocalyptic spanking by the parental units, others visited only with supervision, and a general edict to not touch any animal that wasn't a friendly barn cat or any old/rusty/sharp item period!

However there was nothing said about the half-dozen or so cars sitting around in various states of decay. So one year when our visit coincided with the Fourth of July, I found myself bored silly, in possession of explosives, and no adults or younger siblings around. You can commence cringing.

Dissatisfied with the explosions created by combining the explosive bits of multiple fireworks, I had come up with two ideas: drive to town and buy some 'custom' stuff or try and blow up the old cars themselves. Keys were all in ignitions but none started...so Plan B it was. After several attempts at throwing my largest firecrackers under the cars like I'd seen in spy movies failed, my next brilliant idea was...wait for it...to drop lit firecrackers down the gas tanks. The only concession to safety was clumsily tying on longer fuses. By the grace of everything good, I failed even after trying several kinds of fireworks from lit sparklers to M-80's to stuffing a 'flaming ball' shooter business-end-first into the open fueling hatch.

Fortunately for myself, my family and the community (did I mention the knee-high prairie grass surrounding the farm was BONE DRY from a minor drought?) the gas tanks had either been intentionally drained or leaked to the point that they were emptier than my head. Mindful of parental anger and somewhat humiliated by complete failure I never told anyone about my hair-raising actions until I began seriously dating over a decade later. While everyone from my fiance to my mother has since dubbed me hopelessly insane, I still have all my four limbs and five senses. And the derelict automobiles have long since been hauled off by an enterprising scrap/salvage dealer.

Submitted on 09/05/2015

Submitted by: Jon Carey
Reference: No media; ca ~1999

Copyright © 2015 DarwinAwards.com

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Candi said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
People messing with fireworks and gas tanks is usually too common, but THIS one is going above and beyond the usual stupid in the spectacular zone. Thanks, Jon!


Bruce said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Thank goodness the gas tanks were all empty by the time you showed up...


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