I was working in one of those seedy little bars that poor people go to so much. My partner and I would come in, dressed in formal attire, about midnight, and we’d commence our act. I would have my testicals duct taped to a flat wooden plank while my partner put on a blindfold. Then he would walk back and forth, dropping knives into the plank. Yes, it was stupid. But I thought he was a safe guy to work with! I never got hurt doing the act before, except for one time where he dropped the knife and it stuck between my toes, so I thought I was be okay. Anyway, after our act was all done, the bartender would give us fifty dollars for our trouble, and wed go back to campus. Then we’d do it all over the next week.

It was a cold fall night. We arrived, with the band playing “Stairway to Heaven” in the corner, and we started up our act. People were having loads of fun, and some of them were coming up and putting money in our jar. Suddenly I felt a horrible pain in my balls. I looked down and saw blood gushing out of a big hole in my ball sack. Some people screamed, and luckily, two good samaritins grabbed me by the shoulder and ran carrying me through the knee deep snow, all the way to the nearest hospital, which was a mile and a half away, We pushed past everyone in the ER and got me to a nurse! “Oh, my God!” She gasped. Then it’s kind of all a blur, but I do remember seeing my ballsack sewed up and hearing the surgeon say, “I’m sorry but your sterile now.” He kind of had a chuckle on his lips as he said it.

My insurance plan wouldn’t cover my pay when they found out all the facts. But luckily I could pay for it out of my own two pockets. Now, five years later I am happily married, but I always know I’ll be taken out of the gene pool cause of the stupid stuff I did to make money.

Submitted on 10/18/2012

Submitted by: Malcolm
Reference: My own experience in 2002

Copyright © 2012 DarwinAwards.com

Bruce said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
It boggles my mind what people will do for a quick buck. Thanks for the story, Malcolm!

Candi said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Oh wow. Thanks Malcolm! And just remember: blood is only *part* of being a father.

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