Many items have found themselves mysteriously located in the anuses of men (strangely, far, far fewer in women). For this particular lover of fruit, these items almost warranted a Darwin award.

You might think, quite understandably, how difficult could it be to remove an orange from a man's rectum? Obviously you have had no experience with this situation. How about two oranges? What about THREE? Getting harder to imagine, isn't it, and believe me, even harder to remove. Yes, our hero was proud to have fitted three oranges inside him.

Oranges are round and they have a dense pithy coating. They are difficult to grab with surgical instruments (and in the case of multiple stacking, the oranges above get pushed higher in the process). Oranges are also unusually hard to squash when they have stretched the entire rectosigmoid region to maximum capacity (without the removalist rupturing the bowel, anyway).

True, the surgeon could try Kieland's forcepts (used for mid vaginal deliveries) but these are not the right shape or size to grap three oranges. This was tried and failed. The fact that the surgeon was not an obstetrician was not the reason for failure - three oranges are just not quite the same as one baby's head.

An open operation was contemplated. It seemed a shame to concede defeat to these three particular oranges, but time was running out for the patient, whose blood flow to the rectosigmoid region was beginning to become compromised. Oranges, certainly a superfruit for other reasons, are not a common cause of gangrene of the bowel.

Finally a compromise was reached. There was an open operation, however, the bowel was not opened, just the abdomen. An assistant's hand assisted in preventing the lowest orange from pushing the other fruit higher up the bowel whilst the former was skewered (the orange, not the assistant).

Could you believe so much trouble could result from three pieces of fruit??? Worst of all, the patient was far from grateful as he had had his thrills terminated before the ultimate outcome. Yes, he had to be under anaesthetic...

Submitted on 12/24/2011

Submitted by: Dr Davida Kiernan
Reference: personal communication in 1990s

Copyright © 2011 DarwinAwards.com

Bruce said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Unbelievable. I'm practically speechless... Thanks for sharing the story, Davida.

James said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Well, Doc, all I can say is WTF!!! I find it boggling enough that someone would insert ONE orange, but THREE??? It's too bad the Oath of Hippocrates prevents doctors from weeding out these bozos who do nothing more than drive up health care costs! Thanks for a real doozy, Doc! :-)

The Darwin Awards Gift Shop

The Darwin Awards Condom Keep yourself out of the gene pool! A condom in a matchbook, useful for emergency contraception, bachelor parties, frat parties, and important rites of passage. LOADED inside and out with funny quotes and stories. Everyone loves this item! Friends don't let friends reproduce! $13 for Pack of 4