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The Monkey and the Goat

2011 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

According to the Chinese Zodiac the monkey and the goat worked hand in hand along with rooster to cross the river and get to the emperor safely. They built a raft which the rooster steered while goat pushed from behind and monkey pulled from the front. Unfortunately relations between goats and monkeys did not stay very stable as will be illustrated in the following story. At the time of this event I was a freshman in high school. I needed to choose an elective class for myself and I went with an agriculture class. I lived in a mid northwestern farming state on 2 1/2 acres of land and there was a lot to be done. To pass the class I had to do an SAE (supervised agricultural experiment). It was a large part of my grade and I would surely fail without it. As a teenager I was still subject to the whims of my mom and stepdad (aforementioned monkey). One of their whims that I hated the most was yard work. Remember I lived on 2 1/2 acres. So I decided to kill two birds with one stone. I would get goats!!! From September to May they could eat the grass AND I would get a passing grade. So I got a goat farmer to agree to let me board two of her goats for that time and my brilliant get-out-of-lawnwork plan was coming to fruition. But goats cant just be left to roam willy nilly. They need a place to call their own. Queue the Monkey (my stepdad). Monkey was supposedly a construction worker but based on my experience I would say that was prolly just a cover story. I bet he spent his days as a superhero's sidekick's sidekick. Or maybe just as a fill in butler for Batman when Alfred Pennyworth was out sick. I can't say. But Monkey offered his services as a "constuction worker" to build a pen in the backyard for them to live in. So he got some plywood, chicken wire, and a stick of Krazy Glue (I can't imagine how dangerous he would be with duct tape) and slapped together a structure barely fit for a hobo. But I was only having them for 8 or 9 months and then they'd go back home so it was ok. But the structure wasn't quite finished yet. With winter coming Monkey decided the goats needed a warming apparatus in there with them. So he gets an extension cord and a space heater. But after some coaching from people whose only construction experience was building things with legos Monkey was finally convinced to not just leave it on the ground near the straw where it could start a fire. But his only idea left was to attach it to the ceiling by the cord. By now it was getting late and he was left out there largely unsupervised. So he gets his nail gun (which in his hands is still less dangerous than duct tape, but not by much) and proceeds to nail... yes NAIL... the cord to the wall so it is out of the way and leaves the heater on the ceiling hanging down a few inches with its cord nailed into the ceiling. The other end of the extension cord was then plugged into the house. Fast forward to about 10 minutes after he turned it on. The entire pen was burning and we now had to try to contain an electrical fire until the fire department could get there. Monkey tried to do this with a hose and the power still on. Thankfully the breaker box was right near the back door and it got turned off before Monkey got the hose hooked up. The extension cord was also unplugged. The biggest surprise of all was Monkey was not charged or fined by the fire department for his shenanigans. I would like to close by saying the goats were smart enough to know that "fire = bad" and they ran from their little house as soon as it caught fire. No goats were harmed in the making of this... monkey business.

Submitted on 10/22/2011

Submitted by: Anonymous
Reference: Personal Account 1999 or 2000

>> Moderator Scores <<

James said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Very amusing! Thanks!

Bruce said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Very humorous and original writeup, and a very funny story about your monkey. Thanks!

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2011 Slush Pile

The Monkey and the Goat

2011 Reader Submission Pending Acceptance

2011 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance