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Darwin Awards
2010 Slush Pile

This item was recently submitted by a reader.
Should I include it in the archive?
Vote to tell me what *you* think!

Lock-Out

2010 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

I was a 14 year old boy, who had just discovered the joys of self pleasure. When exploring different methods of arousal, I discovered that tying rubber bands or other blood-flow-restricting items to my genitals increased sensitivity. I was in a particularly adventurous mood when I noticed my school padlock. You know the kind that even under ideal conditions are difficult to open? Well, I proceeded to attach said padlock to my scrotum and commence my ritual. I cannot quite recall why I considered closing the shackle, especially considering that to do so caused it to become quite tight. However, once finished with the deed, I calmly set about spinning the dial and removing the padlock.

Nothing. I knew the combination, but failed to take into account that in order for the combo to work, the shackle could not have outward tension.

After countless attempts, with increasing panic I thought of the perfect release from my predicament. I went to the garage and attempted to hacksaw through the clasp. Mind you, this is a pretty delicate process, considering the area that I was working. Through deeper shades of purple, and the occasional nick & cut, I worked. I soon realized that this method was getting me nowhere fast, and I needed to get out. My reproductive future was certainly bleak. I prepared myself to wake my parents and endure whatever humiliation I must, but I decided to try the combo a few more times. While pressing the lock even tighter on my now swollen and darkened area, I turned the dial, and to my relief, I felt the sweet release from my self-made prison & a lightening of pressure. I shamefully returned the tools, and cleaned my self inflicted wounds.

While I did not succeed in removing my ability to reproduce, I have not yet burdened children with my genes. There may be hope yet!

Submitted on 05/21/2010

Submitted by: Dean
Reference: Honorable Mentino, Personal Account, 1997

Copyright © 2010 DarwinAwards.com

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Bruce said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Despite the fact that you were below our maturity cutoff when this happened I think it's still funny enough to accept as a PA. Thanks for sharing your embarrassing situation with us, Dean!

Candi said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Ow.

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