Slush Pile: An Almighty Hurdle

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An Almighty Hurdle

2010 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

I am an addicted, 55-year-old German follower of the Darwin Awards from their very beginning and ever since, I was trying to convince one of my closest friends to tell his/our story to the public as a warning to others. And although he is (luckily) not eligible for an Award in its true sense, through all those years he refused out of sheer embarrassment. Today, only a few days after his 56th birthday, he finally gave me the thumbs up. Here is what happened during that so badly unfortunate night. It was early winter 71/72 somewhere in Germany, when a bunch of male teenagers met for what had become our annual pre-Xmas German-strong-beer-drinking-event. The evening started out as usual in exchanging the latest dirty jokes and juicy gossip and playing stupid little card and dice games, certainly going hand in hand with the drowning of large amounts of beer. The follow through of the evening was as usual as well, in crossing this thin red line between being reasonable wannabe adults to horrendously drunk and very unreasonable idiots. By around 3 o'clock in the morning, we had not only successfully crossed that line but we were also terribly bored, so we started thinking aloud whatever stupidities we could come up with to do, before entirely falling into a delirium. At this point you have to know that the early seventies were the golden age for streakers, at least in Germany. As a logical consequence, somebody came up with the glorious idea of walking the streets of our little township entirely naked at 3AM at this bitterly cold winter night. After a short hubbub who of us would have enough "balls" (mark my word!) to do so, it was finally up to me and two of my mates to reach for the crown of the night. Clothes were stripped quickly and a few moments later we strolled into the night and onto the narrow street where my friend used to live, encouraged by the excited screams of our fellow drinkers. In our alcohol-imbued brains it was a straight forward thing to do, firstly, because we only had to walk down the street approx. 200 yards to the nearest crossroads and then turn around, and secondly, there had nothing to be feared, since our little town at night is as dead as the Chicago Cemetery. After roughly 100 yards down the street, the unthinkable happened and a car turned into our street. Even as drunk as we were, one should never underestimate the effect, shock and adrenalin can have on an alcohol-tortured body. The street was lined with houses, each bordered with fences and high gates. There was literally no escape. But apparently, this very moment, all three of us had the same impulse: hide as quick as possible! But where to go? So, in a split second, you could watch three young naked lads, trying to get as quick as possible over the closest gate in reach. And even after almost 40 years, I can still not comprehend on how we achieved it, but the next moment, one could not only hear two deep sighs of relief (me included) as the car went by without stopping, but also the painful whimpering of the third of us. In the dim glimmer of an entrance light, we could see our poor friend lying on the frozen driveway, his hands clinched to his crown jewels and blood seeping profusely through his fingers. It was only then that we realized, that the top of the gate was actually heavily armored with extremely pointy, heavy metal spikes. Where the two of us obviously had been extremely lucky, not so much applied to our bleeding (and to be honest, slightly overweighed) friend, who's scrotum got entangled with one of those spikes in his furious attempt to escape township-wide embarrassment and when gravity struck him on the height of his effort, he ripped his manhood open, resulting in a 2 inch crack. In the end it was "only a flesh wound" but the surgeon who stitched him together reassured us that he was much less than an inch away from removing himself from the gene pool. Well, today I live in New Zealand, but each time I go back and catch up with my friends, our story is still worth a good laugh. And it still fascinates us what things you do when you are young, invincible, stupid AND DRUNK!! PS: Today, all of us have a University degree of some sort. QED!!!

Submitted on 03/04/2010

Submitted by: Thomas Jellinek
Reference: Personal Account

>> Moderator Scores <<

Bruce said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Definitely a little bit above our run-of-the-mill stories involving drunks & spiked fences given that you decided to go for a stroll without any clothes on. Thanks, Thomas!

Candi said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Really! I guess alcohol does make one feel warm and cozy -too much so!

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2010 Slush Pile

An Almighty Hurdle

2010 Reader Submission Pending Acceptance

2010 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance