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Darwin Awards
2009 Slush Pile

This item was recently submitted by a reader.
Should I include it in the archive?
Vote to tell me what *you* think!

Military Intelligence

2009 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

So there I was, a lowly PFC in the US Army. They paired me up with a CPT (who had clearly never fired a weapon in her life) on the firing range for annual qualifications. Now, I have met many young officers that haven't got a clue, but this one was is definitely a future Darwin winner. I pointed to her target and informed her this was her lane, shoot that. Then I proceeded to knock the magazine against my helmet to align the rounds. She freaked out on me and screamed that I would break her bullets! I informed her this was one of the ways to avoid misfire that can kill her. She denied me the right to do this with her remaining magazines. I scootched a bit away. Then, she struggled to get her magazine into her rifle. I watched in utter amusement. Since the entire firing range was waiting on us, I finally said "Ma'am, the pointy ends of the bullets should face the enemy..." Thus we began our firing. She never hit her target. Not once. I saw her hitting the one in the other lane and informed her of that. She became angry and told me it didn't matter which target she hit. By this time, I had endured insults, verbal abuse and more at her hands and I decided to put her in her place. I waved my arm to stop the firing and the 1SG in charge of the range was livid and came to me to let me know. After a few whispers in his ear, he looked at my CPT and yelled "GAS GAS GAS!" For those military readers, you can have your laughs now! Here it comes. Everyone jumped up from the firing position and rapidly starting putting on their masks, but not our lovely CPT. She stood up slowly, looked around in confusion and then asked the 1SG what the heck was going on. His face was about to explode as he yelled in her face and said "GAS GAS GAS! GET YOUR DAMN MASK ON!" He then reached down and grabbed the butt of his 9MM. She reached down and opened her gas bag and out fell all the little pieces of her mask. She never even bothered to put her mask together before coming to the range. For the military readers, yes, she was a NO-GO at this station. For the Civilian readers, the 1SG in charge of the range has the right to take this CPT out if he fears for the lives and safety of the rest of the soldiers on the line. He was tempted.

Submitted on 02/14/2009

Submitted by: Wendy Austin
Reference: Personal Account

Copyright © 2009 DarwinAwards.com

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>> Moderator Scores <<

Bruce said:
Definitely Toss: No Self-Selection
Thanks for an amusing story, Wendy, but there really isn't any self-selection here. If anything it sounds like some of the others at the range may have been in danger from this CPT.

James said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Actually, Wendy, I like this one! I'm a National Guardsman myself (as well as a former Naval Officer), so I have seen BOTH sides of the coin! Perhaps there isn't any true self-selection here, but the stupidity you describe (and very well at that) is astounding! I certainly wouldn't want to be in HER outfit! I will keep this one as a PA!

Candi said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
I agree with James. This woman is a Darwin waiting to happen. And I don't even want to _think_ of the disciplinary measures waiting for her! Thanks, Wendy!

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