My friend Charlie -who is 25 years old and really ought to know better- may not be eligible for receipt of a Darwin Award, but I assume that her dearest ambition is to win one.

Last year I invited her and another friend -we'll call her Louise to save her embarrassment from being associated with Charlie- to my house for a Guy Fawkes' Night fireworks party (for non-Brits who are unaware, this is a traditional practice on 5 November each year in the UK). Her subsequent behaviour ensured that I shall not be doing so again. Charlie's "playful antics" that evening included the following:

1) Declining my offer of a powerful torch and a bicycle headlamp, Charlie decided that it would be too awkward to hold either in her hand while selecting a firework from the box. She reasoned that fire is a good source of light, and elected to light a small bonfire right next to said box of fireworks, which was open, while chain-smoking cigarettes.

2) When I returned from getting stuff from the house and yelled at her to put the fire out, Charlie stamped on it repeatedly without moving the box of fireworks, sending blazing paper and embers flying everywhere. Including inside the box of fireworks. Charlie laughed her head off, and removed the smouldering paper from the box with the aid of a convenient cylindrical object. Yes- a firework!

3) When this firework declined to explode and eliminate her from the gene pool, Charlie decided to light it -while still smoking a cigarette- by more conventional methods. I only just prevented this in time. You are supposed to secure the firework to the ground before lighting it, I explained. She then stuck the firework on the ground, and attempted to light it with the end of her cigarette. This did not work. So she took some more newspaper, rolled it into a tube and lit it. "Hey, a flaming torch!" she yelled. Louise and I grabbed Charlie to prevent her from going anywhere near that firework, but she wriggled out of our grasp and ran straight at the firework. Her "flaming torch" unravelled and set fire to her trailing sleeve, which touched the fuse and lit it. Apparently satisfied, Charlie dropped the burning newspaper, patted out the flames on her sweater and then stepped back. Who is dumb enough to wave a naked flame around that close to a cardboard tube filled with explosives? Well, Charlie is. The firework- which she had neglected to secure- promptly fell over and spun wildly as it hurled balls of red and green fire at us and at the house, cracking my neighbour's window (he was out at the time). Fortunately , nobody was hurt, not even Charlie. You should have seen us dance.

4) I decided not to let Charlie touch fireworks again, so I asked Louise to light the next firework. This was a "rocket" that required launching from a thin tube. AFTER the fuse was lit, Charlie decided that the angle of the tube would result in the firework exploding behind the houses where we wouldn't see it, so she ran forward and adjusted it. As a result, it launched itself- missing her face by inches- into the trees between my garden and my neighbours', blowing the top off one tree that was, fortunately, too damp to catch fire.

5) Charlie's grand finale was the gutter trick. At the back of my garden is a large patio and a driveway leading to the road. Along the side of this is a small garage. Undeterred by almost having her face blown off twenty minutes previously, Charlie decided that it would be cool to place a firework in the garage guttering, light it and see what happened. We implored her not to. We yelled and screamed at her. When this had no effect, we ran for all we were worth. This did not put Charlie off. She put the firework in the gutter, lit the fuse and did not retreat as instructed. She watched happily while the firework shot out a fountain of sparks that melted the plastic guttering, and then exploded with an almighty blast that blew apart the gutter, set fire to the fence, damaged two of my neighbours' cars in the driveway and left Charlie herself with hearing loss in her right ear, cuts on her face and shoulder from flying debris and considerably less skin on her right arm, which was burned almost all the way up (fortunately not seriously).

When we emerged from our hiding places, it was to find her grinning from ear to ear in the midst of the wreckage, gently dripping blood and shouting "Cool! I'm gonna do that again!"

Charlie's final act of stupidity that evening was refusing to seek medical treatment, because her father is a local ambulance driver and she didn't want him to find out.

Submitted on 09/26/2008

Submitted by: Andie Campbell
Reference: 5 November, 2007, London- never made it as far as the media unfortunately!

Copyright © 2008 DarwinAwards.com

Bruce said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
If Charlie isn't kept well away from fireworks in the future I have no doubt we'll be reading more about her eventually. Just make sure you're far enough away from here when the inevitable happens. Thanks, Andie!

Candi said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Ummm...just one of these might be too common but all of them on the same day in almost immediate successiom!?! Thanks, Andie!

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