'Brain Freeze'

I have always been told that I'm not a stupid person. However I do have a habit of doing stupid things. For as long as I can remeber in fact. Sometimes, life just throws us a curve ball that distracts us and lands us in hot water (Or cold).

I have moved over 15kg of milk and meat to down an entire bottle of anti-biotic, which resulted in a frantic call to the poisons information center. I've eaten a lollipop that was hairy like a paintbrush and tasted a lot like turpentine - this also involved a call to the poisons information center, and I have decided to try a new type of body art by covering myself with road tar - before it set. However, none of these incredibly stupid things sent me to the hospital - nor the doctor.

And, for all intents and purposes, I'm none the worse for it.

The real crimes start here. I am an artist, well cartoonist. All artists have scalpels. Well I have a scalpel to help me cut things.Though, in light of the situation I'm about to describe, maybe I shouldn't. I managed to stab myself 6 times, in sucession. I was cutting on the floor in my room (Which is a bio-hazard in and of its self)and I was thirsty so I got up and went to get a drink. I came back to my room and promptly knelt on the offending blade. I actually had to pull it out of my knee. They say you should always leave a blade where it is because it helps to stem blood flow right? They were right. As soon as it was out there was blood everywhere. I didn't know knees could bleed so much. This is a problem I thought. I need band aids! so up I got and leaving a stream of red behind me proceeded to stick a band aid or 24 over the gash. I went back downstairs and knelt on the blade again. Once again I pulled it out and went upstairs. This happened a grand total of 6 times before I realized that it would be much safer to put the blade on my desk instead of the floor. Knees don't have a lot of flesh. So I wasn't too surprised when the doctor told me that the wounds were deep enough to have gouged chunks out of the bones in my knee due to my just ripping the blade out, but not wide enough to get stitches. She did what she could and I spent the next 8 months going through hundreds of band aids.

The next event is my honourable mention. I like horses. I like them a lot. One day I decided I would try to do those gymnastics acts some people do at circuses.I found a suitable horse. It wasn't mine, but it was friendly and it was parked next to a fence - making for easy mounting. I am not a tall person at 5 foot, so even a 'small' horse is likely to be too big for me to mount without strrups or aid. The horse didn't like me sitting on its bare back much so it complained a little and threw its head about bucking gently. Nothing too bad, and soon it setteld into a steady canter. Great, I thought. This is my chance. So I stood up and was promptly thrown into a fence. The friend who was with me said I was lucky. If the horse hadn't thrown me quite as far as it had, my neck - instead of my shoulders, would have hit the fence. As it was I had bruised ribs and cuts and bruises everywhere. The hospital recommended I not try horse gymnastics again. And unlike my scalpel adventures - I learned my lesson the first time.

When I talk on the phone I hold it between my right cheek and right ear. This is so I'm free to draw. I was hungry while on the phone one day so I went to the freezer.

Our fridge/freezer is like a big rectangle cut down the middle. This means our freezer looks like a long narrow blizzard. I bent over and opened the door to start searching. I had my right hand balancing me and my left holding open the freezer door.

That is when disaster struck. I dropped the phone! In shock I let go of the freezer door and it shut on my head. Alas. I had managed to get my head stuck in the freezer. This was not the first time I had managed to get my head stuck in somthing and nor was the first time I had managed to get something stuck to a freezer, although, undoubtedly it was the stupidest way. I struggled for a quite a while before giving up. Eventually, just as it was getting a little cold, my sister came. She tried to open the door - to no avail, so she unscrewed to door and pulled. The door came free and I ripped myself away from the freezer. As it turns out, in the heat of summer you sweat and when wet meets ice it freezes (Huh! Funny that). Similar to the way your tongue will get stuck to ice, or a freezer, my ears and cheeks had become stuck to the freezer. I had skin missing and mild freezer burns on my ears. Doctors said I was lucky. (Had they encountered this before?) Several months later I got my head stuck whilst on the phone again. But not for long! The second time I pulled hard enough the door came away before the ice could do any real damage. I now stand away from freezer when ever I open it.

Submitted on 09/24/2008

Submitted by: Anonymous
Reference: Personal Account - Sydney, Australia

Copyright © 2008 DarwinAwards.com

Bruce said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Your first story about cutting yourself SIX times was more than enough for me. That really sounds like Darwin is hard at work with you. Thanks for sharing.

Candi said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
I agree with Bruce! My sister's an artist and she _never_ NICKS herself more than once or twice a month!

The Darwin Awards Gift Shop

The Darwin Awards Condom Keep yourself out of the gene pool! A condom in a matchbook, useful for emergency contraception, bachelor parties, frat parties, and important rites of passage. LOADED inside and out with funny quotes and stories. Everyone loves this item! Friends don't let friends reproduce! $13 for Pack of 4