Throughout my life, I have been prone to performing stupid stunts. On a few occaisions, the object was money, but most of my dangerous feats were motivated by either A) Sheer dare-devilry, or B) A grotesquely high pain-tolerance and the firm conviction that '"Trouble" is not "trouble" unless one is dead.'

This particular exploit is not quite as spectacular as some others which I have performed (daring a friend to cut my lower lip in two with a pair of scissors; dislocating a hip after jumping from the top of a 20-foot tree; burying a box of grape-juice in the compost-heap for three weeks, then drinking the result; pulling out teeth with a pair of plyers on a bet...) However, all of the above were perpetrated whilst I was under the age of 17, and are therefore disqualified. Therefore, I will only relate to you this incident, which was performed after I had reached the age of majority.

One Friday, approximately 1.5 months past, I had the bright idea to go on a shopping expedition to Hobby-Lobby. This store is 4.5 miles away from my residence-hall (I am a freshman in college), and I was too stingy to spend the $.50 for bus-fare. Beside that, I am very thin and in good physical shape. The walk would take no more than 1hr 15min, and would not be taxing in the least.

I set out at half-past 3PM, walking along a busy interstate with no sidewalk. I should mention at this point that I cut a rather unusual figure: I wore a ankle-length, military-green smock over a camoufluage shirt; with a camoufluage 'do-rag' on my head and large, black combat-boots on my feet. Cars actually slowed down as they passed because the drivers were staring at me.

.25 miles from Hobby-Lobby, a busy section of 3-lane road intersects the main section of highway at a perpendicular angle. At this point, rush-hour was beginning, but was not at its peak; so that I was able to dash madly across, dodging the honking cars, with minimum difficulty.

I shopped for approximately 1hr. When I left Hobby-Lobby, it was 15 minutes before 6PM; the height of rush-hour. Once again, I had to cross the aforementioned highway.

Also, following shopping expedition, my rucksack (which at the outset had weighed only 7-12lb) had increased to over 20lb. Not only, then, was the traffic much heavier, but my speed of movement was significantly lessened.

In a momentary fit of reason, I had the logical sense to stop at the crossing and wait until I saw the cars begin to slow (presumably in response to some sort of traffic-signal). When the cars were travelling at approximately 10 mph, I decided to make my run. I was half-way across the intersection when I was distracted by two idiots in a red convertable, who had begun to cat-call. As a self-respecting and hopefully honourable woman, I did what came naturally: I wheeled about and flipped them off. Unfortunately, this slowed me up and made me unable to see oncoming traffic.

I was struck in the right hip and knocked to the ground by an off-white car of shoddy American design. As I attempted to pick myself up, the car ran over my toes, making me unable to vault over the hood and dash to safety. In the mean-time, another car swerved wildly to avoid hitting my half-prone body. The honking and screeching of tires was deafening.

Soon enough, the car which had me pinned by the foot rolled forward sufficient to free me for movement. I half-dodged, half-vaulted the hood and scrambled clear of several other cars, which at this point were fortunately at a stop.

As soon as I was safe, I looked back at the car which had struck me. The driver was a dumpy, middle-aged woman wearing a hideous mauve floral blouse. Her tragic 1980s hair-cut was in disarray; and her jowly, spectacled face bore a look which I would not trust around deadly weapons (if you take my meaning). Both she and the car, of course, were unhurt.

Now that I was out of the jaws of death, I assessed the situation, then did something extremely unusual: I began to laugh hysterically. I could not help myself. The situation was SO idiotic, and the looks on the faces of the drivers were SO bewildered, that I laughed until I was out of breath.

I did not want to offend the people with my cavalier attitude, so I ceased laughing, conveyed the message that I was unhurt, and waved an apology as I walked away.

In retrospect, I can now see that I was extremely lucky to escape with nothing more than a few bruises and some mildly-sprained toes. The vehicle which had swerved to avoid me had come within 2ft of striking me in the head. Had this happened, of course, I would certainly have been killed or brain-damaged.

There is no official documentation of this incident, so you will certainly treat this as a 'Personal Account' should you accept it into your archive. However, you may see me again: Other than the nick-name 'Kamikaze Kate', I bore the childhood moniker 'Spock' for my intense interest in chemistry, biology, and explosives (and perhaps for my horrendous pudding-bowl of dark hair). And over the summer, I plan to lay hands on some glycerin, ferrous oxide, and aluminum....

[P.S.: In case you are curious as to what that signifies, this is the 'thermite reaction', which is so incredibly exothermic as to be explosive. I also enjoy messing about with home-made chlorine gas, fire-arms, cultures of alflotoxin mold, and objects bought from Radio Shack. This is what I do, I love it, and (as the title states) I 'LAUGH AT DEATH'!]

Submitted on 05/04/2008

Submitted by: Katharine Bessey
Reference: Personal Reference; 03-14-08

Copyright © 2008 DarwinAwards.com

Bruce said:
Definitely Toss: Too Common
That's quite a colorful writeup, Kate, but when you boil it down it's just another case of a pedestrian vs. a car, which is way too common. Thanks just the same.

James said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
I actually beg to differ with Bruce! This is a very funny and well-told story, Katharine, and I really like the write-up! We've had a lot of what would otherwise be "too common" personal accounts, but in the end the write-up is what makes or breaks the submission! I will give this one the nod and see what the rest of the moderators think! Thanks!

Candi said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
I feel sorry for your parents! Honestly, girl, get some common sense BEFORE they attend you at the hospital -or the morgue. As a mom myself, I beg you.

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