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Darwin Awards
2008 Slush Pile

This item was recently submitted by a reader.
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Caution: Flammable Material

2008 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

As was blatantly said in my tale "Alcohol and me don't mix", I intend to continue to prove that me and alcohol are enemies, at best. At the age of 19, in the middle of my drunken college adventure, I sat bored in a friends dorm room late at night with a few others toasting Early Times whiskey and throwing back some Natural Ice beer. Being with the guys, we weren't too humble to prove our manliness by letting flatulence permeate the air while raising our hands to proudly claim the gaseous expulsion. However, I intended to take this one step further and as I "felt one coming on", I grabbed my lighter, rolled on to my back - legs in the air - and let out a boom that put out a nice sized flame from my crack when combined with the flame of the lighter. It was all laughs for a second before everyones eyes grew wide. You see, the problem with lighting ones flatulence is that (while not exactly the smartest thing in the first place) clothing is flammable. But to add fuel to the fire, I wasn't just wearing any piece of clothing but flannel pajama pants. You know, nice, soft, flammable cotton with lots of fuzzies hanging off to make for the perfect tinder. Well my friend began to slap at my tender areas and it wasn't until the 3rd or 4th slap that I looked down and saw the flames surrounding my crotch (I already told you, I'd been drinking pretty heavily!). Now aware of the danger I grabbed a nearby towel and rubbed out the flames. Again, I narrowly escaped the Darwin legacy. I was not killed, nor were my twigs and berries burned beyond repair. Nonetheless, let this be a lesson to all of you methane pyromaniacs, cotton+spark=fire. Furthermore, let me always remember the golden rule - alcohol and me don't mix.

Submitted on 04/02/2008

Submitted by: David D.
Reference: Myself

Copyright © 2008 DarwinAwards.com

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Chip said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Good story! Thanks David. Let 'er rip, just don't let 'er burn!


James said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Brother Benjamin Franklin is often attributed as having said, "fart proudly". I certainly concur, but DO please be more careful next time! :-)


The Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action

Hardback. 327 pages. Autographed.
$15
185 Stories! In the ongoing saga of Survival of the Fittest, meet the thief who steals electrical wires without shutting off the current! Marvel at the would-be pilot who suspends his lawnchair from helium balloons! Learn from the man who peers into a gas can using a cigarette lighter...!

This book also includes a History of the Darwin Awards, Darwin Haiku, and a dozen humorous discussions of the implications of evolution, including the origin of idiots, and the role of testosterone.

Autographed by Author!

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