At the age of 18 I, like may other young men and women of that age, set off for my first year at college, intent on becoming a successful lawman. Unfortunately, the most knowledge I gained that year was the best ways to open ones throat to let the beer flow straight down from the beer bong. I added my "freshman 30" and then some from the vast amounts of alcohol I ingested night after night and walked away from the scene with a fake I.D. and a 0.8 grade point average...go me!

Upon returning home from the summer, I found myself the recipient of the "take a year off" letter from the university which I half attended. However, not being one to give in to misfotune, I decided that this letter would not deter me from participating in the intoxicating pleasures that only campus life can bring. A friend of mine attended the University of Illinois and in July the fraternities and sororities had a sort of rush weekend which basically meant partying non-stop. My friend invited me to go with him which I clearly accepted with much thanks. The first night down was a doozy. The Cubs and Sox were playing (which as anyone from Illinois knows, this tends to be a time of angry partying) and I was at a bar packed full of northsiders and southsiders alike, all rooting for their team. After ingesting gross amounts of beer, vodka and whiskey, the game ended with the Cubs losing and the Sox fans immediately began to mock their counterparts. Being an angry drunk, I lashed out at a group of Sox fans with a fist to ones face and received a bottle over my head. A small brawl ensued and when the dust settled, my friends and I had been ousted from the pub into the streets.

This would not stop us from continuing with the festivities. After a short walk we arrived at a friends house and settled in for some more boozing. With the hours getting on, we decided that we would order a pizza to try and sop up some of the alcohol, although the cause was futile since we'd taken in far too much at this point. Now, the house itself was pretty big. It was 3 stories if you include the attic and on the 2nd floor I made myself comfortable on the master bed, lazily sipping my booze and watching TV. I then noticed a door leading off of the bedroom to a patio. The air was nice this evening and the sky espeically clear, except that there was a large tree in my way. Intending to get a better look at the sky, noticed a ledge off of the patio that ran around the house. About 10 feet from the patio was a drainpipe that ran up to the roof, and thus my rusty wheels began turning. I climbed over the patio railing (did anyone know that railings are there for a reason?) and began to shimmy myself across the 12 inch ledge toward the drainpipe, knowing that if I reached I could shimmy my way to the roof. I made it the full 10 feet and so began the ascent. I gripped the drainpipe and manage to get all of 2 feet up it before it gave way and I found myself flailing wilding for anything to grip...unfortunately I would receive no such reprieve. Luckily for me, that big old tree was there to break my 25 foot fall, the downside being that it had some really big limbs. When all was said and done, I lie on the ground, looking up at the tree, writing in pain. To add salt to the wound, the pizza delivery guy arrived at the perfect time to see me impersonating an olympic diver. He rushed over to me and said with concern coated by sublte laughter, "Are you ok...because you just fell off the roof?"

Now let's take a look at what a good night of partying gives:

7 stiches in head 1 broken collar bone 1 broken rib 1 huge hangover 1 story to pass along to my kids to teach them the dangers of alcohol, which they undoubtedly will ingore as their father did

Submitted on 03/19/2008

Submitted by: David
Reference:

Copyright © 2008 DarwinAwards.com

Bruce said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Sounds like that pizza delivery guy had a great story to tell all his coworkers. Good luck trying to drill this lesson into the heads of your own kids. Thanks for a great PA, David!

Chip said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
David, you should sell the film rights to this program to Disney. I am sure they could make a fine cartoon from it. Thanks for the funny story. Go Sox!

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