*The names of all participants have been changed to protect them from public ridicule and angry killer bee hit teams*

At some long unchlorinated corner of the genepool somewhere in Florida, two young men, one of them a married man with three kids, saw a group of swarming bees settle on the swing set in said married man's backyard. Initially, intelligence and reason held back the Darwinian potential of these young men as they endeavored to discover where these bees had come from. However, upon finding out that they were a neighbor's "gift" to them, that the neighbors in question could not get their landlady to deal with the problem, and after finding out it would cost a trip to the nearest store with RAID coupled with the slow wait for nightfall to deal with it themselves the "conventional" way, they decided to give their Darwinian urges free reign.

First, they attempt to throw various heavy objects at the swarm to knock it off the swingest, culminating in the launch of a 40lb trailer hitch. While this did knock off many of the bees, one crucial fact was overlooked by the thrower; he was severely allergic to bes, and could suffer anaphylactic shock. Fortunately for him, as these bees were just swarming, and were not as inclined to reward his efforts to prevent further further reproduction than they normally would. Upon realizing that he appeared to be immune to the wrath of the bees-despite being allergic-he and the other young man broke all the gates of reason, logic and common sense off at the hinges, busted down the the walls of intelligence along with them, and let their inner Homo erectus loose. They decided that if they couldn't vanquish the bees with heavy objects, they would use the great discovery of their hominid ancestors, fire, to win the day!

Upon securing a perfectly flammable piece of cardboard and a fire pit, they proceeded with what they themselves proudly described as "redneck engineering". In layman's terms, this means "get away from those mooks NOW!" The validity of this statement was proved when they filled the decorative firepit-you know, the kinds that have shapes cut out from the sides-with sheets and gas. After placing this underneath the swing set (which meant going right underneath the swarm of bees), they set fire to their contraption with a testosterone filled war cry that would have humbled the greatest of mooks, Lawnchair Larry ("Watch this!") The smoke and fire created quite a dent in the swarm of bees, but some still remained.

Incensed that they were being "beaten" by a few bees, the two young male Homo pyros decided that to add 1.5 quarts of paint thinner to the mix. Amazing, for this species is not known for its intelligence, the two H. pyros apparently perceived that to throw it in, container and all, would be "wiser" than to stand over the contraption while pouring it in (explosion notwithstanding). After the smoke cleared, the H. pyros were still intact, as were some of the bees. With the bees serving as their justification, they let loose the full Darwinian potential that only the unique pyromaniac genes of H. Pyros can express; they threw into the still-flaming pit 2 quarts of gasoline directly into the pit. The ensuing inferno consumed the last of the valiant bees, at least one of the swings on the swing set,the science project board, and some of the grass too. Amazing, the two specimens of H. pyros survived to brag about their deevolution into this species-and, far worse, to continue to reproduce. The genepool is self chlorinating, however. their time will come.

Submitted on 03/16/2008

Submitted by: Robert Weber
Reference: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2243176

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Bruce said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Thanks for the great writeup, Robert. Original ones are always appreciated!

James said:
Definitely Keep: For Darwin's Eyes
Excellent write-up to go with the funny video in the slush pile! Thanks, Robert!