A few years ago I was living in Loganville, Georgia (A town so small and southern it suprised Jeff Foxworthy). It was summer, and close to the 4th. That meant a few things: 1. I'm off school and home alone, 2. My friends and I were getting into mischief, and 3. We had fireworks. Recipe for a Darwin attempt. I had a dirtbike (off-road motorcycle) at the time and a was taking turns riding with my friend. While one was riding the other would launch bottle rockets by breaking off the stick and laying them on the ground before lighting them. They would fly along the ground until they hit something, and were sent in random directions. So as my friend wass riding I launched a bottle rocket. Apparently whatever it hit made it fly backwards and to the right- straight into the garage. At first I only saw smopke pouring out of the garage door. Whyen I went to investigate I saw that a 4 foot diameter circle on the wal was engulfed in flames. I had lit the garage on fire, but the stupidity does not end there. So after thinking "HOLY -blam!-* THE -blam!-ING GARAGE IS -blam!-ING ON FIRE!" I ran to get the hose. On the way back to the fire in order to practice being a faux fireman, I got the hose wrapped on my leg and as I charged into the garage I tripped and fell nearly into the flames. I then jumped up and began saturating the wall, but I was too clase to the fire and got minor burns on my hands and fingers. At this point my friend shows up and the fire is out. But apparently not really, because while I'm yelling "AHHH My hands are -blam!-ing burnt! GIVE ME THE HOSE!" my friend is still spraying the wall. Eventually I went inside and applied liberal amounts of aloe-vera gel to my hands, I happened to look down. The crotch of my pants was burnt. I was so close to the flames that sparks were landing mere centimeters away from my naughty bits. It's as if fate was trying to get me a Darwin, but (luckily) failed. So if your kids ask to play wityh fireworks, tell them my story, and hope the aren't as stupid as I was.

*-blam!- is the word used to replace profanity on one of my favorite web sites, Bungie.net.

Submitted on 04/26/2007

Submitted by: Reilly "Monty Python" Weakley
Reference: Personal account, June 2003

Copyright © 2007 DarwinAwards.com

Bruce said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Thanks for a great story, Reilly. You're lucky you didn't burn the entire house down, as well as your "naughty bits"! I can only imagine what it must have been like trying to explain it all to your parents.

James said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Ineed, Reilly, your narrative was quite gripping! One of the more colorful fireworks-related PA's I've read in some time! Definitely worth sharing with the readers!

The Darwin Awards Gift Shop

$16 Smoking Crater T-Shirt / Black
Heavy 100% cotton, black Hanes Beefy-T with an inadvisable cigarette break on the front... a smoking crater on the back! Click on the image for a full view. Based on true stories. Errata: TNT will not explode in the presence of a lit cigarette. The man was actually sitting on a crate of gelignite.
Buy the Smoking Crater T-Shirt