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Darwin Awards
2007 Slush Pile

This item was recently submitted by a reader.
Should I include it in the archive?
Vote to tell me what *you* think!

SELF CASTRATION

2007 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

AS A NAVY PHYSICIAN AT MILLNGTON NAS IN TENNESSE, I WAS ON EMERGENCY ROOM DUTY ONE QUIET SUNDAY MORNING, READING AT MY DESK. ONE OF THE HOSPITAL CORPSMEN RUSHED INTO THE ROOM, YELLING "COMMANDER LAY, WE NEED YOU RIGHT NOW!" I QUICKLY FOLLOWED HIM TO THE AMBULANCE BAY, WHERE OTHER CORPSMEN WERE LOADING A VERY PALE, UNCONSCIOUS, YOUNG SAILOR ONTO A GURNEY. THERE WAS NO AMBULANCE. HE HAD BEEN BROUGHT IN BY A NEIGHBOR. AFTER GETTING HIM INTO THE ER, HE WAS HYPOTENSIVE, TACHYCARDIC, AND AFTER PLACING HIM IN THE TRENDELENBURG POSITION, (HEAD DOWN), HE REGAINED CONSDIOUSNESS AS AN IV WAS STARTED AND HEART MONITORING BEGAN. HE WAS NOT QUITE COHERENT. PROCEDURE DICTATES REMOVAL OF ALL CLOTHING, AND WHEN THAT WAS DONE, NO VISIBLE WOUNDS WERE SEEN, BUT THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SCOTUM WAS DISTENDED TO THE SIZE OF A SOFTBALL, BLUE, TENSE, AND OBVIOUSLY FILLED WITH BLOOD. BY THAT TIME, I HAD BEEN JOINED BY ANOTHER MEDICAL OFFICER WHO RAN THE WEEKEND GENERAL MEDICAL CLINIC, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE "COLDS AND SORE THROAT CLINIC." HE HAD NO EXPERIENCE WITH TRAUMA. CLOSER EXAMINATION REVEALED A NEATLY SUTURED INCISION ON THE LEFT SCROTUM, CLOSED WITH BLACK THREAD. THE GMO SAID ASKED SON, "WHO DID YOUR VASECTOMY?" THE YOUNG MAN SAID "I DID." I TOLD THE GMO THAT IT WAS NOT A VASECTOMY, IT WAS ON ONE SIDE OF THE SCROTUM, NOT THE MIDLINE, AND VASECTOMIES ARE CLOSED WITH ABSORBABLE SUTURES UNDER THE SKIN. I CUT THE SUTURES, OPENED THE SCROTUM, AND REMOVED A LARGE AMOUNT OF CLOTTED BLOOD. NO TESTICLE. AT THAT TIME, THE SPERMATIC ARTERY, WHICH HAD BEEN SEVERED, BEGAN TO SPURT BLOOD IN PRETTY LARGE QUANTITIES FOR A MAN IN SHOCK. I CLAMPED THE SPERMATIC ARTERY, CALLED IN THE UROLOGIST ON CALL, AND THE SAILOR WENT TO SURGERY. HERE IS THE BACKGROUND STORY FOR THIS DARWIN CANDIDATE: HE WAS MARRIED TO A WOMAN WITH 2 CHILDREN, AND THEY WANTED TO HAVE A CHILD, BUT HE WAS STERILE DUE TO A LOW SPERM COUNT. WHILE LAMENTING HIS CONDITION TO AN OLD NAVY CHIEF, THE CHIEF JESTINGLY TOLD HIM, "SON, THAT AIN'T NO PROBLEM. JUST GET ONE REMOVED, AND THE OTHER ONE WILL DOUBLE IN SIZE AND YOU'LL HAVE ALL THE SPERM YOU NEED." DARWIN REARED HIS UGLY PRINCIPLES, SO THAT SUNDAY MORNING, WHILE HIS WIFE AND STEPCHILDREN WERE OUT OF STATE VISITING RELATIVES, HE TOOK HIS WIFE'S SEWING BASKET, A RAZOR BLADE, OPENED HIS SCROTUM, CUT OFF HIS TESTICLE, THEN NEATLY WERED UP HIS SCROTUM WITH BLACK THREAD. THE SPERMATIC ARTERY AT THAT POINT, HAD GONE INTO SPASM, WHICH CONSTRICTED IT ENOUGH TO LIMIT BLEEDING. HOWEVER, WHEN THE ARTERY RELAXED, HE BLED ENOUGH TO GO INTO SHOCK. WHILE HOSPITALIZED, HE HAD A PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION, AFTER WHICH THE STAFF PSYCHIATRIST DEEMED HIM WITHOUT ANY PSYCHIATRIC PATHOLOGY. MY REPLY TO THE SHRINK WAS "ART, YOU'RE CRAZIER THAN HE IS." I WOULD LIKE TO NOMINATE THE PSYCHIATRIST FOR AN HONORABLE MENTION.

Submitted on 03/01/2007

Submitted by: DAVID LAY
Reference: PERSONAL 1982

Copyright © 2007 DarwinAwards.com

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Chip said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Doc, this is a funny story! Never heard that one about removing one so the other could grow! However, your use of all capitals makes it very difficult to read this excellent Personal Account. Nevertheless I vote to keep it. Thanks for sending it.

James said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Gadzooks, Doc, this one's a keeper! I spent 11 years as a Naval Officer, and I learned two things: 1) CPO's (Chief Petty Officers) are big on advice and love to prey on the gullible, and 2) A truly gullible sailor doesn't stand a chance! I wonder if this poor fellow got a "second opinion" from his division officer or the base chaplain before going through with it??!! Great submission, Thanks!

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