This took place way back in the 1930s. Gramps was about 20, though you wouldn't know it to watch his behavior. His mother was particularly of this opinion when her son and premier field hand lurched into the kitchen, pale-faced and staggering, both hands clutched to the "Darwin Qualification Area."

Had he been kicked by a horse? No. By a girl who did not take kindly to my grandsire's straightforward style of wooing? Not even. Well, what had he been doing? The story took some time to emerge. As did the offending particles in the body.

My grandfather, without even the excuse of being drunk, had been hiking through the scrublands hot on the trail of a hare. (This, by the way, takes place in western Texas, near the Rio Grande.) He lost the hare but continued the hike anyway, enjoying the opportunity to get out of helping his dad hoe. Moseying along, not a thought in the world or in his head, he came to a fork in the trail.

Here he followed Yogi Berra's immortal advice, "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." He decided to keep one foot on each branch of the trail for as long as he could and see how far he could get. There were a few problems with this approach.

1. Gravity is a law, not a suggestion.

2. The native flora of most of that area of the States is not designed to be fallen down upon.

The intrepid adventurer (code for "idiot") proceeded, one foot on each side of the trail, for a few yards before falling down. He landed on a jimsonweed and bounced back up with the true imperviousness of the idiot.

Emboldened by his success, he decided to try it again. Backwards.

Needless to say, he didn't get as far this time. Also, as luck would have it, he came down squarely upon a cactus.

Hence my grandfather's hours of agony, while waiting for my great-grandmother to stop laughing long enough to help him remove the spines.

Unfortunately, there is no way to confirm this, unless my grandad can be contacted. However, I don't have a ouija board, so I have not been able to do so.

Submitted on 08/03/2006

Submitted by:
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Copyright © 2006 DarwinAwards.com

James said:
Neutral: Personal Account
This one's so far fetched I just HAVE to find an excuse to keep it! Mark Twain couldn't have made this up (or maybe he did)! Anyway, falling on a cactus is, in and of itself, nothing to write home about, but I DID like your write-up!

Fitzroy said:
Neutral: Personal Account
I agree. The write-up is amusing, in large part because of the circumstances surrounding the fall. It's just so bizarre as to stand well above a typical cactus impalement.

Sheryl said:
Neutral: Personal Account
I agree with both of you. It's a good story.

Jorge said:
Neutral: Personal Account

Graham said:
Neutral: Personal Account
A highly unlikely story but well-written. How far apart can your average Joe spread his legs? Four feet maximum?

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