I regularly visit your website and run off copies of Darwin Awards for client amusement. Your site is well known and quite popular here.

As you can imagine, my line of work gets me into communication with all walks of life. One morning, in the process of displaying your articles, a client told me about an account on a dairy farm back in the 1950's and mentioned that I might submit it. I'll have to look to find any media reference for you.

The client told me this happened on a dairy farm north of Sacramento. Until I can research this from ER records or some such, this may qualify as an urban legend. I did check your website for obvious key words and am sure this story is original. I have to fudge in names for milking harness parts as I'm not sure of what they're called, but here you go:

A dairy farm hand noted from hooking up the milkers to cow utters that he could possibly derive some perverse satisfaction for himself.

He went to an unused stall and inserted his member into one of the milking ports (nipples?) and turned the machine on. This went quite well and as our client mentioned, the device "took everything he had."

The uncalculated part of this maneuver on the part of this farm hand was this: The distance between the "member mount" if you will, and the testicles is also about the same as the distance between the milking ports. You guessed it, no doubt.

While he was no doubt deriving considerable pleasure to his member, one of his family jewels got sucked into and manipulated by one of the other milking ports.

The screams were horrific and a supervisor, upon seeing what happened, shut off the machinery. In order to get him to the hospital, he had to leave the milking harness attached. It was very delicately removed at an ER.

I will try to find records to verify this. Pass rushers can qualify for a half sack on quarterback when 2 of them make a tackle. Perhaps this person can qualify for a 1/2 Darwin?

Submitted on 11/11/2005

Submitted by: Mike Durthaler
Reference: None, personal account

Copyright © 2005 DarwinAwards.com

James said:
Neutral: Other
I checked Snopes.com and couldn't find anything. I looked up pictures of milking machines as well. The story is quite amusing and does sound plausible enough, but since it happend so long ago, we would need some sort of documentation to include this! Thanks for submitting, Mike!

Sheryl said:
Neutral: Other
I recall men using vacuum cleaners and sanders but never milking machines. I quite like this one but yes, some verification is needed.

Greg said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
I like this. I grew up on a dairy farm and I'm very familiar with the equipment involved - It's a nice variation on the vacuum cleaner stories Sheryl mentions. PA for now without any verification, but thanks Mike.

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