Unbreathable Kitty Litter 
2003 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
On Friday, October 3rd, in Seattle, I tried out for the Las Vegas Comedy Festival. This group videotapes those three minute comedy bits so that comedy buyers can see someone's work, and often the videos become filler on Comedy Central. As it happened, the LVCF was offering eight winners from each city in each of eight categories (mainstream, youth, prop, parody, Latino, Comedy Club pick, College, and Wildcard). So, I reasoned that there would probably be 100 stand up mainstream comedians but only one or two prop humorists, so I went with the latter, and sure enough, my guess was correct.
Now, to do humor, the best type is self-depricating. People love most to laugh at the fool, rather than laughing at other people, so I developed my three-minute routine on things I might do to myself to get a rise out of the audience.
At one point in the routine, I brought a prop with me made out of powdered sugar, Grape Nuts, hand rolled and re-formed Tootsie Rolls, whole Almond Roka, and, with a scoop, Chocolate Pudding. It was very authentic looking edible kitty litter.
The routine, at that point went like this. "Robin Williams, in his 1987 performance, 'Live at the Met,' said that there are people who are so stoned, they'll eat Kitty Litter." I'd then grab a handful and toss it in my mouth, then say, "It's real crunchy...but it tastes like Shit." Unfortunately, on this day, I forgot something. I forgot to pack a bottle of water.
So, in the performance, I said my line, tossed back the Grape Nuts...and began to choke. The dry, inhaled, sugar powdered Grape Nuts leeched onto my windpipe, and wouldn't come out. The last thing the video caught me doing was spitting out Grape Nuts, and trying to breathe. Not only did they catch me dying on stage in the traditional comic sense, but there was a chance of me dying on stage in the physical sense.
So, if you ever see one of those videos of America's Stupidest Comedians, look for me. I'm the one who nearly won another Darwin nomination.
Submitted on 10/20/2003
Submitted by:
David Brager
Reference:
Personal Account (2003)
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