Light Bulb of Doom 
2003 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
This story is probably an urban legend, and even if it is not I am fairly sure that it is quite impossible to get any references proving it. Also none of the participants have died or otherwise removed themselves from the gene pool, so I will leave it to the Darwin to file or reject this story as seen fit. This is just an account of a terminal case of human stupidity leading to a number of accidents. Here it goes.
The place is a small regional center town in Soviet Union. The time is
early 1980s. A local conference of college teachers is in progress. A few
dozens of teachers came into town for the event and a few of them were
situated in the local hotel. The hotel is very poor, but so are the
teachers and 3 of them take a single room. Since there is not much to do in
a small town at night, certain amount of alchoholic beverages is obtained
from a local store and consumed.
During the conversation among the newly found friends one of the teachers
(lets call him Dmitriy Petrovich) mentiones that it is a medical fact, that
it is impossible to take a light bulb out of ones mouth once it was
inserted there. This meets active disbelief of his two opponents who start
questioning him as to what kind of light bulb he means and how come you
cannot take it out, if you can put it in. Dmitriy Petrovich replies, that
he is talking about a standard 100 Watt light balbs such as the one
lighting their room, but lacking medical education he doesn't know the
reason for not being able to remove it. Discussion heats up, and at some
point one of his opponents desides that an experiment is necessary.
Mind you, that all of the teachers in the room are PhDs in various fields
of exact science. Obviously not one of them is a medic. The light bulb is
then removed and the most loud opponent (lets call him Vladimir) puts it
into his mouth. In a few seconds it becomes clear that Dmitriy Petrovich
was right, and it is quite impossible for Vladimir to remove the light balb
due to peculiar clenching of jaw muscles.
After a short discussion the three friends decide to get Vladmir to a
doctor. They get out of the hotel, and stop a cab. They drive to the
hospital where they have to relate the story of the accident to the night
nurse, who, after almost choking herself with giggles, calls the ER
doctor. The doctor carefully examines Vladimir, and unexpectedly hits him
with his fist in the back of the jaw. Vladimirs jaw falls open and the
doctor returns the light bulb to Dmitriy Petrovich, explaining that
Vladimir is not going to be able to use his mouth for a couple of hours due
to the over stressed jaw muscles.
The three teachers get back into a cab and start driving home, when the
third teacher starts complaining that the other two are playing him for a
fool, that this is medicaly impossible for such phenomenon to exist and
that he is about to prove it. He puts the light bulb into his mouth, the
cab makes a U-turn and speeds back to the hospital. At the hospital, the
nurse starts giggling when the three men enter the emergency room, and
after hearing their new story falls of her chair laughing. After a little
while she calls the surgeon, who chuckles, hits the 3rd teacher in the back
of the jaw and removes the light balb.
The cab has left, so the three friends catch another one. Dmitriy Petrovich
gets noto the front seat and puts his mute friends with their jaws hanging
open in the back. Cab driver is mildly surprised by the unusual company of
an obviously drunk giggling man and two others looking ilke village idiots,
and asks about it. Dmitriy Petrovich asures teh driver that the other two
are not idiots, but most educated people and the problem is their small
argument about a light balb. After carefully listening to the whole story
the driver asks what kind of light bulb is he talking about, and Dmitriy
shows the hotel light bulb saying "this one". "Impossible" says the cab
driver and in a few seconds the cab turns around and goes to the
hospital.
When the nurse sees these guys the 3rd time inside 2 hours, she starts
having rather serious breathing difficulties trying to laugh much harder
then mother nature designed. After getting her in shape Dmitriy Petrovich
makes her call the surgeon who, promptly hitting the cab driver in the jaw
takes the light bulb and smashes it on the table saying that this should
put an end to the story. The four men get back into the cab and drive to
the hotel.
On the way they are stopped by the road patrol police unit. The policeman
(militianer) is very surprized to find that the only person able to speak
in a car full of people is a rather drunk man who tells him a wierd story
about light balbs. "I will be right back" replies the policeman, goes back
to the road side station, Dmitriy and companions whatch the ligh go off
inside the station, and in a few seconds the policeman appears again. Using
gestures he asks people on the back seat to move over. A metal end of a
light bulb is sticking out of his mouth.
The cab goes back to the hospital. The nurse becomes hysterical with
joy. After a few minutes of recuperation she goes to the cabinet of the
surgeon to call him. She opens the door and falls to the floor
unconscious. In the doorway appears the surgeon with his jaw hanging wide
open.
Submitted on 05/19/2003
Submitted by: Mitiay
Reference:
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