Darwin Awards: 2003 April Slush Pile

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2003 April Slush
Short cut, cut short
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My right arm for Pizza!
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Hey ya'll, watch this
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inmate escapes (life)
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Darwin Awards
2003 Slush Pile

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Cheap Thrills or Squeaky Wheel

2003 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

I don't want to call my sister cheap, but people say she is so tight she squeaks. When the nieces and nephews were small, they took to following her around constantly. After tripping to avoid my brother’s son Ben 4, she asked him what he wanted, he replied "to hear the squeaked". She throw up her hands never having any idea what that meant. She (Cari) and her husband Larry both taught elementary school, and rather than get their pay in 12 monthly payments, they went for 9, which meant they either lost their health insurance or had to send in a check, every summer. There shouldn't be any doubt which course she took. We always took our vacations together. One year we all decided to go to Rocky Mountain Nat'l Park, 100 miles north of our Denver home, to camp, hike, and fish. We left in a trail of mini-vans, loaded with sleeping bags, fishing poles and tents. Everything was exciting; this week was going to be GOOD. We loaded up on the essentials in Estes Park, and then entered the Nat'l Park gates. As we paid the entry fee, the ranger handed us a map, along with a bright pink paper, highlighted "WARNING". Below that title, we were informed that this season had, so far, been extremely hot and unseasonably dry, camping was discouraged. Wildlife had become increasingly aggressive in their search for food, that they inhabited the same areas used by campers. If you camped you did it at your own risk. Fires were also outlawed. y brother turned to me and said, "OK Tour Guide, what do we do, there is no way Jean, (his wife), is going to camp out", Stacy, (my wife) echoed his comments. There was the most beautiful, mansion type hotel not far outside the park. I don't remember the name but it was very old, very elaborate, and very nice, I had been there for a weekend of meetings and thought I could get a good rate.  We caravanned to the hotel and arrived early enough in the day to get three, well two rooms. Cari refused to stay at the resort even when I make up a 3 rooms for the price of 2, she getting the lucky suite, story. All but Cari and Larry, (real names, honest), quickly unloaded their bags, then we all ate before heading back to the park to fish. Later we parted again, Cari and Larry drove off to set up camp, and sleep for almost free. They were considerate enough to leave their kids with us, since the kids were really scared of being ravaged by bears while in their sleep. Sometime in the camp-fireless night, a Western Diamondback Rattler crawled into Larry's bag to warm itself. He was asleep, but through some miracle, woke without a jerk. He lay there frozen, afraid to even breath while the snake curled between his legs. Cari was less than two feet away, but Larry couldn't even whisper. According to the ranger on site, who later cared for Larry, my brother-in-law must not have moved a muscle, because the snake, which was found, was a juvenile, they spook easier and have a deadlier bite than adults. This strategy worked well until a very large, stripped skunk butted Larry in the back of his head. It apparently came in under the tent wall. This time Larry jumped, the snake bit his inside left leg, the skunk sprayed him directly in the face. Larry screamed and the frightened skunk rocketed back and forth to get out of the tent. The snake bit Larry again, below his left ankle; Cari was sprayed rolling over to aid her husband. Before the skunk became free, it ran over both campers several times and sprayed 6 times. We knew nothing. At 4 am, my brother and I got up to go fishing while everyone slept. We were in his suite dressing; a loud knock on our door woke everyone up. My wife dressed only in a very short, black, transparent teddy, beat me to the door. We were told only that there was a problem; my sister and her husband were in a hospital at Granby, CO. Then we were directed to follow him. He would use his lights to get us there quickly. When we arrived, Larry had already been air-evaced to Denver's General Hospital. I happened to be a medical doctor doing an UColorado surgical residency, in a number of hospitals around the state, Denver General was where I was working at that time. Our wives Jean and Stacy stayed with Cari, who was hysterical, after being treated for the spray to her face and eyes, and she was under heavy sedation. My brother (Dee) went back to the hotel to pick up our belongings and the kids. I went to check on Larry at DGH which was the main trauma center for a large geographical center. Sadly Larry did not receive enough anti-venom in time, losing his leg from 6 inches above the knee. (A natural product, was used then and it could only be given as fast as tolerated, it also had to be mixed. We use a much better formula today, unless shortages (2002) force us to use the old, dry form). We opened the entire leg, drained it, and used lavage antibiotics, removing necrotic tissue. These efforts were too late to save the leg. Bottom line part 1. It's not a good idea to ignore warnings and take on Mother Nature, on her terms. To save $60 a night an uninsured Larry ended up with bills over $100,000, one leg, and sterility. Decency tells me to end this long tale now, but I have to mention one more event. That summer (1988) vacation was the last one we took with family. The next year my sister took advantage of a deal of a lifetime. She and Larry bought a new Chevy Astro van, because the dealer or GM, offered a free trip to any of approximately 25 destinations. After checking to find out which trip was the longest, which resort the most expensive, they headed for Acapulco, Mexico. Yes, there was another accident. Larry was swimming in the bay, with some other guests. He swam too close to a giant fan coral formation, while he attempted to harvest a souvenir. His remaining leg was slit from the hip to the mid-calf, as he fell in contact with the razor edge of the coral. They did have insurance this summer, but it didn't cover care in Mexico, and the Mexican hospital wouldn't let them leave without a Visa or MasterCard. The treatment only cost a few hundred dollars, however they had to buy new return tickets in order to rush home. That isn't the whole story. The sutures were primitively placed, ready to tear open because of swelling, 36 hours later. The care was substandard at best and no antibiotics were given. By the time I saw him and changed his dressing a day later, the leg was terribly infected. Larry was developing a very high fever with red lines up and down his discolored leg OK; you guessed it, back to the hospital. We were in trials on a new IV quinalone antibiotic. This saved Larry's life. More importantly, since it was in stage 2 human clinical trials, the drug was given at no cost. Despite all we could do, he lost the other, right, leg. Bottom line part 2. Even if you have a doctor in the family, be insured, buy travel insurance, look don't touch, and don't assume the lowest price is the best price. PS- You can tell when Larry is close by, his wheelchair emits a loud squeak. Dr. Wesley Stevens Home- Virginia Beach, VA US Navy- stationed Persian Gulf

Submitted on 04/03/2003

Submitted by: Wesley Stevens M.D.
Reference: Personal Account

Copyright © 2002 DarwinAwards.com

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Jack said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
While the writeup could have used a bit of editing, I liked it. And I'm glad that you have better smarts than your brother - come home safely!


Teela said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account


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