Fire in the hole! 
2003 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
Welding equipment . . . Check.
Gunpowder . . . Check.
Alcohol . . . Check.
Brains . . . Brains???
Here in central California winter weather is rather mild, so it would not be unusual for a New Year's party to spill outside. A few years ago a few beer-impaired pals of mine decided to crank the celebration up a notch -- Darwin style! The party host, an avid history buff and amateur blacksmith, had just finished showing off his recently acquired replica flintlock pistol to the party guests. Now my friends are stupid, but even they know not to mess around with guns, particularly when drunk. Apparently however, this same wisdom doesn't apply to gunpowder.
Talking together in the workshop, three sheets to the wind, and in plain view of welding equipment, steel pipes, and sheet metal, someone had the brilliant idea to build miniature cannon and fire it off using the gunpowder. "That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard," the host exclaimed. My relief turned to shock however when he continued, "But a mortar . . . now that might just work."
After many unsuccessful attempts to stop the insanity that was about to occur and not wanting to earn a Darwin award myself, I returned back to the party. From here out I relate the story as it was told to me.
Darwin Mortar (serves a dozen morons):
1 steel pipe
1 flat metal sheet
Black Power
Paper wadding
Fuse
Weld steel pipe end-on to the sheet of metal and drill a small hole in the base of the pipe for the fuse. Place the device on a less-than-flat surface, such as a driveway. Next, place a small amount of black power in the open end of the pipe then add a small wad of paper. Then place a long length of fuse in the hole at the base. Finally, light the fuse and take cover.
Puff . . . fizz . . . nothing.
Place a triple measure of black powder in the pipe. Next, cram the powder down to the base of the mortar using a stick. Then jam a huge wad of paper in the pipe and repeat the cramming procedure. This time use a smaller fuse. Finally, light it and stand around like an idiot.
BOOM! SNAP!! OHHHHWWWWWWWW!!!!
Inside the house I felt the windows rattle when the second shot fired and car alarms went off down the street. Apparently the explosion was too much for the drunken welds that held the pipe to the metal sheet. Predictably, it flew off the base only to collide with one of the above mentioned morons. It hit him squarely in the right hip leaving an enormous blue and yellow bruise more than 6 inches across. Only a last minute flinch to the left saved him from a shot directly in the baby-maker and a chance at a Darwin Award. Submitted on 03/19/2003
Submitted by:
Dan Ransom
Reference:
January 1998
Copyright © 2002 DarwinAwards.com
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