Lord of the flame 
2003 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
When young and only slightly more stupid than now, I was faced with the age old human dilemma. How to make fire? The concern was that no matter how much kindling I placed under the only remaining, unsplittable, 30” diameter log, happily resting in the living room fireplace, I could not get it to ignite, just smolder. Enter MAN, opposable thumbs and not afraid to use them. Luckily (?) my motorcycle was on the front porch and being an avid (hold that full Darwin Award open for me) motorcycle mechanic it dawned on me how simple it would be to remove a fuel line from the motorcycles gas tank, fill an empty coke can with gas and pour the contents on to the now smoldering log. MAN, lord of the flame.
Everything went swimmingly, removed hose, hose in can, can full, replace hose, wander back into living room, survey smoldering log for danger and proceed, regardless. I must admit a fascination as I watched the small arc of gas pour from the coke can, inextricably drawn earthwards at 9.8meters/sec/sec; I just wish I had been as attentive to the gas that liberally coated my hands after removing and replacing the motorcycles fuel line. In the eye-opening and eyebrow removing pyrotechnic display that followed the log successfully burst into flames. This moment of triumph was unfortunately tempered as it was quickly followed by the flame racing up the stream of gas emanating from the coke can and fully engulfing my hands in flame, including those opposable thumbs that we’re all so proud of. Struck for a moment with the “unusual” situation, I starred at my flaming hands thinking “this can’t be good”. Due to my feline like reflexes I suddenly noticed that the log in the fireplace was well alight. Well alight, streaming flame about 10 feet in the air.
Considering the fireplace was only three feet tall and most of the flame was billowing up the wall, I decided this could be a problem. Without hesitation I kicked the log. This action might have been ingenious if my intent had been to cause the log to rock back and then roll out onto the carpeted floor of the living room, which of course is what it did.
Now was the moment for a stroke of genius; drop the now flaming coke can. I was surprised to learn that it was still more than half full of gas, only realizing this as the flaming fluid quickly seeped into and ignited the carpet.
After several attempts at applauding myself in the guise of clapping my hands together to extinguish the flames, a somewhat more quick-witted friend (even with a .08+ blood/alcohol level) doused my flaming appendages with a cold beer. He is still roundly criticized by all and sundry for wasting good beer on such a frivolous endeavor. I have learnt my lessons. 1. Renters insurance is essential. 2. Pepsi really is “The One”.
Submitted on 02/27/2003
Submitted by:
Anonymous
Reference:
personal account from 1983
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