The Many Uses of Duct Tape 
2003 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
While in the process of obtaining a Court ordered urine sample from a felony drug-using probationer, a probation officer made note of certain "peculiarities" suggesting the probationer may have been attempting to provide urine from a source other than his own. Upon further investigation, the PO was able to convince the probationer to admit he was, in fact, wearing a "device" which contained urine obtained "from a couple of kids on the street" at the price of $5.
Upon obtaining the admission from the probationer, the PO also took possession of the aforementioned "device" which was none other than a Visine bottle containing a yellow-brown liquid suspected to be...urine...which the probationer had strapped to his...appendage...with gray duct tape. The probationer was placed under arrest and transported to jail for booking on a probation violation.
When he was directed by jail staff to disrobe after the booking process it was discovered the probationer had not fully removed ALL the gray duct tape from his...appendage.
Not wishing to further embarrass the probationer beyond what humiliation he had already suffered, jail staff suggested he remove the gray duct tape from his...appendage...himself. When he mentioned it had become securely attached to the...appendage...one of the jail staff apparently suggested he remove it in a single, rapid motion (in the way one might remove a band aid) to reduce the pain such removal was certainly destined to inflict. After a few moments of hesitation, the probationer gave a final, rapid tug on the gray duct tape causing significant tearing of the eyes, gnashing of teeth and removal of both flesh and pubic hair from the...appendage. Jail staff were also seen to grow weak, avert their gaze and wince in sympathetic pain.
Later, upon relating the above incident to one of his colleagues, who asked if the PO had volunteered to assist the probationer in removing the gray duct tape by using his pocket knife, the PO was obliged to inform his colleague that he had declined. It was the PO's position that the use of a non-department issued pocket knife in that scenario would probably place the probationer, and the department, in a difficult position as, in the event of a minor slip, not only would Bobbit become a verb, but a law suit as well. As the PO had not been trained in the use of his pocket knife in removing gray duct tape from the...appendage...of a probationer (or anyone else, for that matter) the PO said he felt he would be ill-advised to offer his services in that area.
At last contact, the probationer was recovering comfortably...in the fetal position in the corner of his cell. Submitted on 01/17/2003
Submitted by:
Glen A. Pruett
Reference:
Eye witness account, Jan. 2003
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