Rectum? Darned near killed 'm! 
2003 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
Working as a nurse in an intensive care unit at a large regional medical center, I've had the opportunity to care for many people who were potential recipients of the Darwin award. The man in the story below didn’t lose his life, but did injury, among other things, to his dignity and his claim to common sense.
One night, I got a call from the charge nurse informing me that I was about to get a patient from the PACU who had just had an emergency bowel resection. Trying to stifle her laughter, she said the nurse calling report would fill me in on the details.
As I waited for the call, my coworkers and I speculated on reasons someone would require emergency surgery in the middle of the night, as it was 3 AM.
Finally, the phone rang and I settled down, pen in hand, to take report on this unfortunate soul. As I listened, however, I found it increasingly more difficult to contain my amusement. By the time she finished, I was speechless with laughter.
When finally able to speak I told my coworkers the tale I had been told by the other nurse:
A 40 year old, white male, came into the ER complaining of abdominal pain and rectal bleeding. During examination the physician discovered a coat hanger protruding from the man's rectum. When questioned, the man finally admitted how he had inflicted this injury upon himself. Earlier that night, while his wife was at work, as he pleasured himself, he had the sudden urge to push an uncooked egg into his anus. Panicked when he lost it "up in there", he unbent a coat hanger and tried to fish it out with the crooked end. When the coat hanger became snagged on something and he couldn't pull it out, he decided that maybe the vibration from a ride on his motorcycle would cause the whole mess to dislodge from his nether region. Finally, unable to stand the pain any longer, he rode his cycle to the ER.
The resulting injury to his intestines required a bowel resection to remove the coat hanger and temporary placement of a colostomy.
An hour after he was admitted to our unit and settled in, his wife came to see him. After visiting for a few minutes, she came out of his room and demanded that I tell her what had happened. I told her she should ask her husband. She said she did, but he told her that he didn't know, either and the medical staff wouldn't tell him what was going on.
I told her politely but firmly that I was unable to give her any details and that she should speak to the man’s physician. I went off shift soon after and never heard how this story ended.
Submitted on 09/12/2002
Submitted by:
James Chandley
Reference:
personal account, June 2000
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