Personal Account - Idiot Chef 
2003 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
While attempting to light my new barbecue I discovered that my barbecue lighter (one of those long stick like things with the clicking button that ignites a flame so you can light your barbecue) was out of fluid.
I went downstairs to the utility/laundry room to fuel up the lighter. In the process of trying to fill the lighter, some must have gotten on my hand, but in case of spillage I had positioned myself over the laundry basin to catch any overflow. (It should be noted here that it was later discovered that I was using the wrong type of fule anyway)
Once I was comfortable that some fuel had made its way into the lighter, I decided to test it. At this point you may be wondering, WHY? Well, figuring that the flame would be at least 8" from
any fuel on my hand, I figured it was OK to push the button. What I hadn't figured was that the fuel had leaked down to the tip of the lighter
stick thing. When I clicked the button, to my astonishing surprise, my whole hand lit on fire.
I said, "Oh darn" (or something like that) in a
loud and angry voice. Well , having one's hand on fire is neither relaxing nor calming to ones system and I must have flinched (or had a small seisure) thereby squeezing more fuel from the container (which was in my other hand at this
point), all over the place, including my already flame engulfed left hand. A very nice ball of flame appeared.
At this point, I dropped everything into the basin, igniting it and everything in it (the lighter, the canister of fluid and possibly some dust mites). I said, "Oh darn" again, and was at this point actually quite concerned.
I tried to clap my hands to smother the fire, but just ended up lighting my right hand on fire too. I hit the floor and tried to smother
it that way (STOP DROP AND ROLL), but it's a concrete floor, so that didn't work too well.
I eventually smothered it with a nearby floor mat and extinguished my hands. I then stood up to
see a laundry basin completely engulfed in flames. Not knowing whether to run and get a gigantic ice berg sized box of baking soda or if water would put it out, I did the really dumb thing and cranked on the water taps over the basin.
Well, lighter fluid and water, DON'T in fact mix and now I had pretty fast moving liquid flames to deal with. I found that by just turning the taps on full, the water out numbered the fire and eventually put it out.
The one smart thing I did throughout this whole 30 seconds of excitement was, when everything was no longer on fire, I took off my wedding ring. This served two purposes:
1) In case of swelling or excessive blistering, it would not get stuck on my finger.
2) To keep the world from knowing that my wife actually married such an idiot and saving her from total humiliation in the process (although this story negates any previous genius to hide that fact).
And now for the fire safety tips:
---------------------------------
1) Don't try and re-fill a barbecue lighter. Spend the $0.02 on matches instead, it's much safer.
2) When you do actually catch fire, don't yell "Oh darn". Instead yell, "FIRE!!! HOLY S**T I'M F**KING ON FIRE". This sends a clear message to your wife upstairs that all is not well.
3) Concrete does not smother burning flesh very well. Floor mats work much better. Even better still, try not to light yourself on fire in the first place.
4) Water does not put out lighter fluid based fires. If you must put one out, use a proper fire extinguisher and/or gigantic box of baking soda (or see last sentence of #3).
5) Take off your wedding ring (see previously mentioned reasons for this).
6) Soak your hand in iced water and take some Advil. This lessens the stinging and reduces swelling and pain. There is no pill or liquid to cure a bruised (or burnt) ego, except maybe alcohol, but I will not endorse that anymore than I will lighting ones self on fire.
Submitted on 08/29/2002
Submitted by:
Andrew Butters
Reference:
August 14, 2000
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