Fuzzy Fights Back 
2003 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
A little background. My brother has a small collection of funny newspaper clippings from his days as a journalism major. I was helping him move and came across a few of them a some of them might be right up your ally. I have actual clippings for these but this one comes from an unknown paper. If you would like a scan of the actual article, please let me know and I'll send it along promptly. Here we go!
Mr. Fritz Dekker, a 41 year old European, went to the Amsterdam zoo one fine day and found his way over to the area where the bears were. While admiring the North American black bears, he pointed out one particular bear to another zoo patron and asked if it was a male or female but the guy didn't know. So Mr. Dekker decides to find out for himself by crawling over the seven foot high fence and jumping into the enclosure.
Dispite the urgent screams of the crowd safely outside the pen, Fritz confidently walks up to the bear in question, a 390 pound adult, who was quietly occupied with a ball and unaware of the man approaching it from behind. Fritz gets to the bear and takes a unintrusive peek 'under the hood.' Perhaps still perplexed by the animals gender, Fritz decides that the best way to determine the animals sex is by delivering a very hard kick between its legs right in the happy sack.
Yes, our friend Fuzzy is a male and responds to the assult as a male should. Fuzzy roars in pain, turns and charges Fritz. Fritz, thinking quickly, attempts to defend himself with a half-hearted karate kick in the bears general direction. His brillant defense tactic fails completely and Fuzyy proceeds to occupy the next few minutes mauling Fritz "The Bear Ball Buster" Dekker to death.
Zoo keepers arrive promptly but not promptly enough for Fritz. It takes several hits with tranquiler darts to ward off the bear. Fritz is, of course, pronounced dead at the scene and the sleeping bear is rushed to an onsite vet clinic. Except for "a pair of badly swollen testicles," Fuzzy The Avenger is okay.
An autopsy on Fritz provides no reason why he did this. There were no drugs or alcohol in his body. His family reported that he was not suicidal and did not have any mental defects (other than the obvious) but did have "an exagerated sense of bravado."
At the time of the article, zoo officals had not yet decided what to do with Fuzzy and his fate is unknown.
So there is is. There are a couple more (backed by actual articles) I be sending along for your enjoyment.
Submitted on 08/16/2002
Submitted by:
Mike Scott
Reference:
Unknown Paper, circa. 1997
Copyright © 2002 DarwinAwards.com
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