Can's Best Friend 
2003 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
Personal Account
One year during spring break of college, instead of going out to some exotic locale such as Daytona or another popular college student magnet town, I decided to stay close to my apartment and school in rural Vermont. I worked downtown, and could have left my vehicle where I could have blown off some steam in front of the computer, but erroneously decided to park right in front of the bar.
It was $0.25 draft night, and I wound up taking full measure of inebriation, which up to a point did not significantly hinder my performance, other than alot of swaying back and forth before hitting the cue ball. At some point though, I must have appeared severly intoxicated, because one of the bartenders informed me that I was cut off. This did not strike my fancy, and I began to get a little boisterous, saying that all I wanted was a glass of water. One of the other bartenders then dared me to go into the bathroom and partake of the head water.
Now I myself at the time was taking undergradate level biology and chemistry, and I have lived for a time with a friend in a house full of microbiologists, so I really should have known better, but machismo and maybe just too much time in the backwoods got hold of my repressed thought pattern and wouldn't let go.
I remember saying, "Hey if my dog can do it, why can't I?." Upon which I flushed the toilet, and cupped my hand into the freshly filled bowl (Obviously it would be stupid to drink what had been sitting in there, who knows what the last person did?!) and took a mouthful. What happened next was alot of yelling and laughing. That's the last thing I remember from the bar.
The next memory flash was having to put my truck into reverse, and then into 4 wheel drive in order to extricate myself from what appeared to be a small tree about 15 feet in front of somebody's living room.
The next clear memory is sometime the next afternoon laying in a suspiciously clean bathroom floor in my single apartment. Amazed at how I had gotten there - I looked around, and could not detect any obvious aftermath, so I figured I was in the clear. (I wound up smelling what I apparently had missed cleaning up a few days later) I went about some other things in the apartment until that evening, upon which I exited and took a look at my truck, which had a few mementos such as a mangled driver's side and an assortment of branches stuck on the windshield.
So, not having died in the occurence, I offer circumstantial proof that Darwin is wrong, as God obviously must have been my copilot. By all other rights I should be receiving a full Darwin Award for some hitherto unknown communicable bacteria found in a bar toilet (The alcohol part is far too common), and as such I was hoping for an Honorable Mention. On the flipside I have not drunk to excess since that night, so that may disqualify me. Submitted on 06/15/2002
Submitted by:
Anonymous
Reference:
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