WWWHUMP 
2003 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
Don't know if this qualifies since I did not actually succeed in removing my genes from the pool (and indeed have since reproduced), but I'll submit it here on the theory that it shows a marked propensity for stupidity of a truly heroic nature which may well cause me to be unable to further pollute the pool in the future.
An ivy-league educated lawyer by trade, I decided to leave the profession a few years ago and try my hand at making furniture. One of the pieces I made was an entertainment center designed to look like an old pie chest. In order to make the tin on the front of the chest look old, I treated it with gun bleuing -- nice effect. Unfortunately, the tin started to rust a little while later which was not exactly the effect I was looking for. I decided to stop the rusting by treating the tin with linseed oil. Worked great. Unfortunately, I let a few of the tins dry overnight without wiping off the linseed oil. The oil dried to form a very sticky, ugly film over the tins. The only effective way to get the film off was to take some paper towels, soak them with acetone, and then scrub the linseed oil off.
Here is where the fun begins. I had read a good number of books on furniture making, including the use of linseed oil as a finish, and was aware that the paper towels were liable to spontaneously combust if I just threw them out in the trash. Not wanting to be responsible for an ugly conflagration, I decided to take the oil and acetone soaked towels home and burn them in my bathtub. Good thinking right? I mean, what could go wrong, the oil should not burn all that quickly and the acetone would likely be well evaporated before the towels ever saw the inside of my apartment. (Yes boys and girls, I somehow thought it would be a good idea to burn oil and acetone soaked paper towels in an apartment building filled with innocents completely unaware of my well thought out plan.) Besides, with a source of water immediately available, even if the fire started to get rolling a little, I could quickly put it out with the shower. Always thinking, always thinking.
Anyway, long story short, I throw the paper towels into the tub, throw in a match, and am immediately greated by a startling, and truly impressive, WWWWHUMP sound. In addition, there are instantly five foot flames leaping out of my bathtup. Not exactly what I had in mind. I immediately turned on the shower, suffering only very minor burns in the process, and had the fire out in only a couple of seconds. Notwithstanding my quick reaction, all of the surfaces in the bathroom were instantly coated with a sticky black soot, compliments of the linseed oil I believe. Surprisingly, my wife (see earlier reference to reproduction) did not find my story entertaining when she came home and made me clean and repaint the bathroom. Some people just have no sense of humor.
As a coda, I was telling this story to the husband of one of my wife's friends a few months later. The guy had been a munitions/demolition expert in the army. When I got to the WWWWHUMP part of the story his eyes lit up and he said "Don't you just love that sound?" Somehow, the fact that my story elicited such a response from a professional munitions expert did not give me much hope for my future reproductive prospects.
Submitted on 04/19/2002
Submitted by:
Anonymous
Reference:
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