potty perils 
2003 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
I was a Platoon Sargeant in the 24th Infantry Division during the gulf war.Like all leaders in the military you have shining stars destined for great careers and you have at least one soldier that isn't the brightest bulb in the lamp.If morons had a nation this soldier would have been KING.
While in the gulf and in the middle of NO WHERE facilities were literally what you made of them.We had just constructed a new "outhouse" for the Company to use and we borrowed,like most units there,the knowledge given to us by our Vietnam forefathers.We would cut 55gallon drums in half and that was the bowl of the toilet.When it was full or close to it,you take it out and mix deisel fuel and gasoline together in it and burn the human waste.Before returning it you put some diesel fuel in the bottom and replaced it back in our palace of an outhouse.
Well the soldier in question thought highly of his stunning good looks complete with the a stupid moustache looking more like catepillar road kill.In addition to his constant Ali type rhetoric about being "TOO PRETTY"But as his looks got him no where in the Army his brains held him back even more.
As was all duties the outhouse burning detail was shared by all even fought over because some mornings in the Desert were arctic cold followed by well...desert heat.This soldier was chosen to perform the outhouse burning and when replacing the cans he put gasoline in instead of diesel fuel.(contrary to all Arnold S movies Deisel does not explode).Well he had finished his days duties and it was after evening chow and we had just gotten word that we were to move to our positions for the ground war phase in 1 hour.It was after dark and it was standard that anyone entering our classic outhouse(hey it had 6 holes and partians)have a flash light to check for of all things SCORPIONS.Yes at least 2 soldiers were stung that i personally know about.Well,This king without a nation "forgot" his flashlight.the first time in 5 months he had done so.This polluter of all gene pools then had the BRIGHT idea to use the matches he had from his MRE packet to check the seat and under it to see if any critters had made their way in.We were standing outside when we heard a WHOOOOOSH,and a bang of him hitting the door of our palace Oasis of relief and the screams of a man tortured to his soul.Not a split second later the giddy giggling kinda like a school girl getting her wish on Valentines day.
We literally rip off the door and there is our bright shining star...slapping his own face trying to get the last embers out and another soldier who was in there as well laughing his ass peeing on the boy genius trying to put out his clothing.
Since this coincided with our lead element going into Iraq a medic was hard to find.Not to mention that great facial hair of his was only burned off on one side of his face.Not to mention the nearest shower was 40 miles away.so..for 3 days he had half a moustache and smelled like a sewer.
He was later kicked out of the army for because he couldn't pass his GED to be a high school grad.
Submitted on 01/24/02
Submitted by:
Bill
Reference:
personal witness...Feb 24 1991
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