Arse as Thick as his head. 
2003 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
A friend of mine twice tried to eliminate himself from the gene pool. For the purposes of this story we'll call him Mike - which funnily enough was his real name.
He was very proud of an old Austin Princess car he owned which was automatic. Unfortunately it was plagued with mechanical problems. Travelling to work during rush hour he was stopped at a set of traffic lights. When the lights turned green he was dismayed to find that though the car was in Drive no matter how hard he pressed the accelerator the car stayed put.
You can imagine how frustrated drivers behind him became at this point showering him with all manner of abuse. Finally he decided - with no mechanical knowledge watsoever - to see if he could determine what the problem was. Grumpily exiting his car and giving the bird to all the drivers behind him he popped the bonnet of the car and started to look inside at the mass of - to him - incomprehensible engine parts.
Eventually he found the accelerator cable and began pulling it to see what was going wrong. After about the third or fourth tug the engine engaged and he was dragged 40 feet up the road partially under the front of the car, hanging on stoically to the accelerator cable and bumper. Eventually as his arse was being worn down from contact with the road he had the presence of mind to let go at which point the car rolled to a stop. This act of Darwinian stupidity was only exceeded several weeks later after he recovered from his injuries.
Noticing his beloved car was on empty he pulled into a garage to fill up. Unfortunately he broke the key off in his petrol cap after he had filled up. Being a more cautious fellow now he drove around for a week or so while he contemplated a plan to deal with this incident.
Eventually as the car was nearing empty again he decided action was required. Arriving back home he went to his shed and brought out a cordless drill. He reasoned that drilling the lock out would be the best thing to do. Amazingly he managed this without causing an explosion but was dismayed to find that there were a number of metal shavings in the filler tube. His fingers were not long enough to reach them and he surmised that these bits would be washed into the tank when next he filled up.
How to remove them?
Simple! He went back into the house and brought out his vacuum cleaner. Putting the nozzle of the vacuum into the filler tube he bgean collecting the bits of metal. Of course he reasoned there was no danger of sucking in any petrol as the tank was nearly empty. Quite right - so far, so badly reasoned. Of course the bag of the cleaner quickly filled with highly flammable petrol vapour. A spark from the motor then turned this home made bomb into a large fireball which destroyed his front garden fence and almost completely vapourised the vacuum cleaner apart from the piece of smoking hose clutched in his hand and the several large parts embedded in the back of his head body and recently healed backside. It was only the generous length of hose provided with the vaccum cleaner that afforded him escape from almost certain death.
After recovering he sold his car and bought a moped.
I feel that although this doesn't qualify for a Darwin it deserves an honourable mention. Clearly in this case, the evolutionary trait of a thick arse saved him from the weak gene of his thick head. Submitted on 01/23/02
Submitted by:
Neil Jones
Reference:
Personal witness Account.
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