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Darwin Awards
2009 Slush Pile

This item was recently submitted by a reader.
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Twice the Booze, Twice the Pain

2009 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

My father worked as an ER doctor on an Indian reservation, and as Indians have a genetic tendency to alchoholism, I have heard many entertaining tales of drunks maming themselves.

I laughed myself to sleep many a time with these stoires in my youth....Maybe thats why everyone thought I was weird.

Back on topic. The unlucky victim in this story, lets call him, lets called him Sam, decided to go ut camping with his buds. His buds think that tis is great, so off they go to the wildnerss yonder. With booze. Alot of booze.

And when you're on the reservation, alot of booze is ALOT of booze. Well these guys go out drink all of these beers, or whatever liquor the decided should go up with them, and they are all, insanely drunk. Well, they all only planned to stay up one day, so they decide to go home THEN. They don't have the time to sleep it off. They all off to pile up into the car and...GASP! There isn't enough room!Well, like I said they are INSANELY drunk. If they hadn't already built up an alchoholics resistance to alchohol, they'd be dead from alchohol poisoning instead of trying to figure out how to fit...Lets say 6? I'm not sure really...people into a cari with five seats. So, after a rather long amount of time...They decide that SOMEONE will have to sit in the back. So the pick the drunkest of these drunks...This man should really win some sort of drunkard olympics medal... And they put him in the back. Kerplop. And off they go, shooting across the valley to make it home. Well, our friend in the back...Also the man who invited all these people to go camping...Wakes up from his nearly passed out state, and realize something important. He's gotta go pee. Re-e-e-e-e-eal bad.

So he knocks on the window. The people inside either ignore him or didn't hear him. He tries a few more times, wit hte same lack of reaction. He decides to go to "desperate measures". Does he pee out the side of the car. NO! Of course not. That'd be the end of it wouldn't it? No, what he does is he crawls over the roof... And as a tribuate to these mens drunkenness, the don't notice. And then he pokes his upper torso onto the windshield.

"AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" The driver slams on the breaks on the man shoots off the windshield into the ditch. The driver turns around and yells "Whoa! Did you guys see that? There was like, an alien, on the WINDSHIELD!" And they all reply "Yah...Weird." And without stopping they arrive at one of the peoples house, and they all go off to say goodbye, go into his house, and promptly fall asleep. So close! Well, the next day the driver wakes up and he has a KILLER hangover. And a memory. He goes over to the guy next to him, and says "dude, I have the weirdest dream..."Sam" climbed onto the windmshield and I flung him into a ditch!" And the other guys says "Weird, I had the same dream!" And they're totally amazed and they tell everyone else that wakes up and THEY all had the same dream as well! Well, everyones awake, and wondering about the dream, when someone asks "Hey, wheres "Sam?" Ad they sit their, with their aching heads and they think of one thing. Did that actually happen?! So off they go, to that intersection, and I'll be darned, there he is. It got pretty cold that night so he's hypothermic, not to mention a living roadrash. So they call 911 and they sit there, feeling guilty, for about half an hour. They decide that they'll load him up, and meet the ambulance. So they stick him in the back, and drive off. Well, they're still not one hundred percent sober, not to mention they're driving to fast anyway, when they hit a sharp corner. The car flips and flings our hypothermic friend out of the car...Again.

Well, the did call an ambulance, so it passes by the roll over accident, picks them all up, then heads back to the hospital. Every single one of those lucky drunks recovered. Even Sam, who miraculously survived being thrown from a truck, getting hypothermia, then being thrown from the truck. Again. My fathers old saying was, there is an kind of immortality that comes with having a blood alchohol level above .4, and if this doesn't prove it, then nothing will. And, in conclusion, cheers!

Submitted on 11/05/2009

Submitted by: ThelegendofBen
Reference: Not sure of references or dates

Copyright © 2009 DarwinAwards.com

>> Moderator Scores <<

Bruce said:
Definitely Toss: Lacks Excellence
Thanks for an interesting story, Ben, but in the end this is just an example of why you shouldn't drink and drive. The driver is also ultimately responsible for his passengers so you could also argue the hurt bystanders rule here as well.


Candi said:
Definitely Toss: Lacks Excellence
What Bruce said.


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