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Darwin Awards
2009 Slush Pile

This item was recently submitted by a reader.
Should I include it in the archive?
Vote to tell me what *you* think!

Not to be used for that other use

2009 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

About 3 years ago I was an EMT student at a community college in Johnson County, Kansas. The EMT program at this particular community college is one of the best in the region. The classes not only prepair you for the state and national exams but they do an amazing job of making everything as realistic as possible (often employing make-up and various home made devices to simulate real injuries) to prepair you for the real world of Emergency medicine. Part of the course work is spending two 12 hour shifts in an emergency room of one of several local hospitals. No amount of simulations or class time could have prepaired me for this. My scheduled shift in the E.D. (emergency department) was from 07:00 to 19:00. The early hours went very smoothly as no patients had come in either of their own velition or by bus (ambulance). Around 09:00 we had our first patient. A gentle man walked into the E.D. and asked to speak with a doctor right away! The nurse manning the admitance counter informed him he could not be seen without giving a reason as to WHY he was there. After several minutes of back and forth between the two the man finally stated "Fine. I haven't peed for three days." The nurse wrote this on his admitance chart and placed him in an exam room (on with a closing door, not just a curtain). The doctor asked me if I would like to follow him into the exam room and watch while he worked up the patient. "Hell yes!" This being the first "real" patient I had encountered I wanted to get in as many as they would let me. I followed the doctor into the exam room and was immediately asked to leave by the patient. I abliged... some what begrudgingly... and went back to the nurses station to wait for the next patient. Almost 10 minutes had passed and no new patients arrived (thankfully, otherwise I would have missed this bit) when suddenly the doctor emerged from the room, slowly shut the door and walked calmly and quietly around to the back of the nurses station... at which point he burst into such histarical laughter he actually had tears streaming from his eyes. We were all very interested to know why he was laughing so hard. It seems that the patients original statement of "not having peed for three days" was only partly correct. Apparently this man was doing some unknown activity with a car battery and managed to spill a large amount of the battery acid onto his penis! The battery acid managed to damage the outside of his penis and work its way into his urethra and melt it shut! This being the reason he had not peed for three days. The Doctor informed us that the patient claimed he waited to come in and have it checked out was because he didn't want his wife to find out, and thought it get better on it's own... because melted penis tends to heal its self? The Doctor also informed us that the man absolutely refused to explain how he managed to get large amounts of battery acid on his member. The rest of that day was spent making up wild (and often lude) stories of how a man gets battery acid on his penis... nurses, Doctors, and EMTs more often than not have a... unique? sence of humor. The man was admitted into the hospital and scheduled for surgery. I am unaware of the status of the mans member, or of his ability to procreate... but if he keeps up with this type creative activity I am certain that a Darwin Award is well within his grasp!

Submitted on 09/10/2009

Submitted by: Derek Harkleroad
Reference: Personal Account

Copyright © 2009 DarwinAwards.com

>> Moderator Scores <<

Bruce said:
Definitely Toss: No Self-Selection
Thanks for a rather amusing story, Derek, but without knowing the actual cause of this mans injuries I find it hard to accept the story for an award. Granted, waiting three days with such an injury was downright stupid, that sort of behavior isn't all that uncommon when it comes to injuries people consider embarrassing. But for all we know the injury was the result of a pure accident, such as a combination of wearing shorts or jeans with holes/tears in them and a significant quantity of battery acid ending up in his lap. Without knowing exactly how the injury was sustained I'm reluctant to vote for this.


Candi said:
Definitely Toss: No Self-Selection
I have to agree wih Bruce; w/o knowing the initial cause, we can't admit this. But thanks so much for the laugh!


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