Slush Pile: The New Theory of Evolution

2008 Slush Pile

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The New Theory of Evolution

2008 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

The New Theory of Evolution.

Based on the latest anthropological evidence we are convinced that that the presently accepted theory of evolution [Darwinian] is not entirely correct. We present an alternative theory based on empirical evidence as observed in modern mans behavior. We postulate that modern man progressed from walking on all fours to the present state of walking upright through strictly sexual expediency, that is, that modern man started walking upright purely to free his hands for masturbation. This happened in parallel with the evolution of modern women also walking upright, which will be discussed later. Walking on your hands and knees knocks your hands around, thorns and rocks take a toll, harden them to the point that holding the private member is not all that pleasant, so evolution kicks in and over time provides the means for modern man to hold his meat with comfortable soft skin. Masturbation while on all four is not that great, you are liable to fall down on the glory stroke and land on your erection, which is painful, not to mention the fact that you have to lie in your cum until you regain your senses, very messy. For the modern male, masturbating while standing up gave him the advantage of being able to hold on to a tree and steady himself with the unused arm when the paroxysms of orgasm kicked in, shot his load into the bush, a veritable quantum leap in the evolution of man. He no longer needed to lie in his cum, no need to jack off with a hand that felt like 60 grit sandpaper, pure smooth pleasure with a soft hand, isn’t evolution amazing. An added bonus was that if he was disposed to being right handed he could change to the left and it felt like someone else [a important and previously little known fact in the sex life of modern man]. Based on parallel research we assert that modern woman evolved the ability to walk upright for different but related reasons. Walking on all fours displays the desirable parts of woman’s anatomy for unimpeded entry, and therefore exploitation, however standing upright hides the nasty from open view, and with the limited intelligence that man has he was less inclined to go after what he couldn’t see. Previously primitive men fought like demons over poking rights, the wimps got the shit beaten out of them and the stronger better fighters got their ends in. However the wimps were sneaky buggers and occasionally negotiated a quickie while the stronger males were beating the crap out of each other. But overall the stronger prevailed and lead to the evolution of modern man with an average penis length of 8 to 9 inches and testicles like tennis balls.

Primitive women were sick of their private parts literally waving in the breeze, and bored with getting banged from behind [they needed a bit of variety] so that they evolved the ability to walk upright thereby hiding the thing from view and creating the situation where negotiation was necessary before penetration, wham bam thank you ma’am was no longer on. Another advantage for woman was that they did not have to piss backwards and run the risk of inadvertently spraying someone following closely, resulting in getting the shit beaten out of themselves, they could now squat with womanly dignity and let it rip with some semblance of aim. Women could also now lie on there backs during sex, take it easy, read a book, go to sleep if they were bored, or just think about the new outfit they wanted to buy, so much better than getting slammed from behind at the whim of any male within a hundred yards.

Walking upright also kept the flies off their privates, they no longer had to flog themselves with a branch to keep the little buggers away, another advantage was that their nipples no longer dragged in the dirt and the bloody kids couldn’t just latch onto and gnaw away at a tit whenever it suited them. Women also evolved a thick growth of wiry hair, [hence the name furry magnet], this had multiple functions, it helped keep the flies off, covered the nasty and made it less attractive, irritated men’s noses and caused hairs to get stuck in his teeth if they was down there having a feed. This seemingly superfluous thicket of undergrowth further confused man making it extremely difficult to find the entry point, with sex in the ape position he could at least see where to aim the pork sword but with sex lying down he couldn’t see where he was going, much to the merriment of woman. A disadvantage was that he was inclined to jab at the usually prohibited orifice in the same general area, much to the consternation of woman. One advantage of the missionary position [missionaries were not so stupid] is that the man can roll off go to sleep and he doesn’t get the wet patch.

With sex from behind the pork invader is nowhere near the clit, but with sex in the missionary position [missionaries evolved simultaneously] the club of love may inadvertently come into contact with the clit and actually provide some stimulation for the woman, not that the modern male was conscious of the fact. It appears that over time the clit has evolved to become so tiny that it is extremely difficult if not impossible for man to find, so he just gave up looking, it’s just too hard and if he did find it he didn’t know what to do with it. To the modern male an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm, however, whenever, wherever, one minute, ten, twenty minutes of stroking away is irrelevant, shoot your load then it’s off to sleep, [mission accomplished].

Modern woman also learned how to “give it a rub” while lying on her back, or propped up against a tree, easier to keep the flies off, a more stable than reaching back while supported on one hand and knees, easier to reach the sweet spot when propped up against a tree, less likelihood of falling head first into the dirt in the throws of orgasm, altogether far more comfortable. Thus man became superfluous to a lot modern women, they could give it a good rub or get a similarly inclined female to munch on their clit for a while, bring them to orgasm without fear of bearing a child. Obviously women have a greater knowledge of vaginal geography and are able to find an infinitesimally small clit with ease. Masturbation also became expedient for both sexes, not so many relationship troubles, save money, stay at home, no need to even get dressed up. Just dial up a pizza, crack a bottle of wine, get set up on the couch with the remote, a dirty video and a tube of KY, heaven on earth.

Contrary to modern thinking walking upright was the genesis of women’s liberation, women had liberated themselves before they even knew they were liberated by the simple act of walking upright. Women were able to hide the nasty instead of waving it in the breeze, concealing it between their legs gave them the sexual upper hand, the ability to allot sexual favors at their discretion. This immense power actually gave women the ability to totally manipulate men’s behavior, don’t do that, do this, do it right fucking now you dumb arsehole or no jiggy jig for you buckaroo, of course modern man being the slave to his dick that he is, complied.

Modern women could just tell men to take a hike, go fuck yourself, which in woman speak, means, leave me alone, I don’t like you, go away and beat your meat somewhere else. However sexual evolution is a double edged sword, women do not have it all their own way, they are well known to get all hot and bothered, wet and willing at the sight of certain males and so do extremely silly things like removing their panties and throwing them around to get a particular male to part their bearded clam, we must conclude that women are just as much slaves to their pink magnets as men are to their joy bones. So modern man blunders on naively thinking that he is the dominate of the species when in actuality the chain of command runs from woman mind to man’s dick to man’s brain. Modern man has actually been controlled by his dick for millennia but is too stupid to know it. Unfortunately walking upright drains the blood out of a man’s brain into the lower regions of his body, erection and brain are not able to function simultaneously. An evolutionary anomaly, walking upright solved one problem and created another, however man compensates by preferring sex while lying down, after sex he can simply roll off, let blood flow back into his brain and go to sleep, an evolutionary compromise, some might say.

Of course he often gets the woman to get on top [missionaries can’t stand this] and do the work, this allows him to go to sleep immediately after sex without moving, woman then cleans up the mess. Of course modern man finds it hard to forget his innate ape nature and still doesn’t mind a bit of hid the sausage from behind, ape style [now called doggy style], no need for any of this silly blissful post coital kissing and hugging rot [missionaries liked kissing and hugging], easy entry, get it over with minimal fuss, fall sideways and hit the hay.

Modern man is still an ape when he has an erect member but can actually be quite civilized and charming when he’s not trying to wet the one eyed wonder muscle. The passive receptive warm wet weapon thrashes the aggressive assertive blue vein warrior every time. So there’s the evolutionary lesson for modern man, the receptive passive beats the shit out of the aggressive dominate every time, even if he doesn’t know it..

Those that really know and are not saying, have long known that apes are evolved from man and not vice versa, long, long ago before the present régime man evolved from apes, got to be driving around in cars, eating pizzas and making nuclear weapons and managed to wipe almost all life from earth and so the remnants had to revert back to survival mode, started living in the bush again, climbing trees for food and basically living off the land. To do this he/she had to walk on all fours again. A viscous circle, evolve into a sophisticated modern man, destroy the planet and end up back on your hands and knees eating leaves and fruit. And so the cycle goes, ape to man to ape to man to ape, can it ever end, unlikely, for memory seems not to be transmitted from evolutionary cycle to evolutionary cycle.

Submitted on 02/08/2008

Submitted by: Gary Watson
Reference:

>> Moderator Scores <<

Bruce said:
Definitely Toss: Other
This really isn't appropriate for this website. I honestly don't know why you submitted it. The DA rules are pretty clear that submissions be about individuals who remove themselves from the gene pool. There's nothing even remotely like that here.

James said:
Definitely Toss: Other
Frankly, I'm confused...

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2008 Slush Pile

The New Theory of Evolution

2008 Reader Submission Pending Acceptance

2008 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance