DARWIN AWARDS NEWSLETTER - May 2009 --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ DARWIN AWARDS: A Chronicle of Enterprising Demises http://darwinawards.com --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ DARWIN recently held a Deadly Dinner Party at which she served Mushroom Soup, E. Coli Spinach Salad, Faux Fugu Fish, and other deadly delectables and toxic treats. Her stupidity centerd on the centerpiece. She *carefully* picked a branch of poison oak, carried it home in layers of fabric, used tongs to transfer it to a high-walled glass display vessel, and discarded the fabric and tongs. Three days later, you guessed it, Wendy broke out in a pernicious case of poison oak. The moral of the story is obvious. There is no such thing as "picking poison oak safely." --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ HEREBY Seeking Stories from Medical Professionals! Your story begins, "I cannot reveal the patient's name, but..." and exposes the intimate details of astonishing stupidity. True stories only. Medical professionals often have a goodly supply! < http://www.darwinawards.com/slush/submit_story.html > --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ I love a Darwin Award as much as anyone, but lately there has been a dearth of Darwins and an abundance of Near Misses. I can only give you what I have, so forthwith are two of my favorite recent stories of Nearly Darwinian Misadventures. Enjoy! CHUTES AND SPILLS -- Near Miss -- Unconfirmed Iraq | A group of Marines located some surplus parachutes that had been taken out of active circulation. The silk chutes were good for nothing more than providing shade in Iraq--or midsummer mischief. To begin with, they popped two chutes and competed to see who could run 100 meters fastest while dragging a chute, but in short order the Marines moved on to more daring adventures. The most prominent ideas floated were to either jump off the top of the barracks, or paraglide off the back of a truck driven along the beach. Obviously jumping off a building wasn't wise, and the long drive to the beach precluded immediate gratification. But why not deploy a canopy behind a car while driving, like a drag racing parachute? With proper planning, this might have caused no more damage than a missing bumper, but without proper planning, it almost provided one Lance Corporal with a premature death. You see, in the interest of saving time, the Marines attached the chute to the driver instead of the car. The driver buckled in, and the chute was tossed out of the sun roof of the Eclipse. The first two runs were a "failure" because the chute didn't catch enough air. After a brief moment of thought, the men held the chute open behind the Eclipse while the driver, now pumped full of adrenaline, revved the engine and popped the clutch. The stretch of road was no longer than 200 yards, but it was the longest drive ever taken by that Marine. The canopy quickly expanded to its fullest, the loose cords pulled taunt, and the driver was lifted dramatically off his seat. He found himself suspended in the cabin of the car with only the seatbelt preventing him from being yanked through the sunroof. What with being pulled in different directions, the cord lacerations, and the fear of crashing into barriers a hundred feet ahead, he had had enough! However, in his position against the roof of the cab, he couldn't do much about the situation. The young man realized that he had a legit chance of being the next dumb Marine to accidentally kill himself. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally managed to stretch his limbs far enough to depress the clutch and pull the emergency brake. The car stopped suddenly--not to the sound of screeching tires, but to the sound of cracking fiberglass. With the car at rest, the Marine expected that he would slide back down to his seat and beat a hasty retreat from that death trap. Instead he remained inexplicably pressed against the roof of the cab. He struggled with the seatbelt, released the five-point parachute harness, and slithered out of the car, breathing a prayer of gratitude. Observers had seen the parachute canopy sway violently from side to side behind the small car. At the very instant the driver had pulled the brake, the chute had caught on a concrete Jersey barrier next to the buildings. It was a gut-wrenching moment. If he had braked a foot later, the Marine would have been crushed between the opposing forces of the moving vehicle and the stationary parachute. The loud cracking fiberglass noises were the sounds of the cords compressing the sunroof into the top of the car and breaking the spoiler loose from the trunk. The small crowd rippled with the nervous laughter of people who had narrowly survived a runaway roller coaster. A sailor who witnessed the stunt from the E-club came running out with disbelief. "Are you trying to get a Darwin Award, Marine? Why did you do that?" The Marine answered in the most matter of fact voice, "We got bored." http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2009-02.html --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ Putting the Pain in Propane -- Near Miss -- Confirmed by Darwin December, Florida | The District Chief of the Jacksonville Fire Rescue Department reports, "An engine company sent a request for us to extinguish a routine trash fire. The Lieutenant said, 'You gotta see this.' An intoxicated group of men had decided that throwing paint cans into their 55-gallon drum fire was fun, but not fun enough. They escalated the excitement by tossing in not one, but three 20-pound propane cylinders. "Partially-empty cylinders are actually more dangerous than full ones because they cannot absorb as much heat prior to venting or exploding. The fun went south when one cylinder violently vented toward an unfortunate reveler. I cannot reveal the patient's name due to HIPPA laws, but he was transported to a burn unit for attention to his 'party favors.' I understand that the gene pool is still at risk from these rocket scientists, as the close call was not fatal." http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2008-12.html --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ DARWIN NEWSLETTER SERVER COMMANDS SUBSCRIBE: CANCEL: HELP: --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+