Darwin Awards Newsletter -- 1 June 2000 DARWIN AWARDS celebrate Charles Darwin's theory of evolution by commemorating the remains of the individuals who contributed to the improvement of our gene pool by removing themselves from it in a really stupid way. DARWIN AWARDS HEALTH ALERT! Stories from our archive illustrate six dangers to male health from a Darwin Perspective: #1 -- The number one way that men risk their health is to engage in sexual practices with dangerous objects. With toys like vacuum cleaners, cow hearts, and virgins with gun-totin' grannies. Exercise discretion, gentlemen! LOVE FROM THE HEART Unconfirmed by Darwin (Tennessee 1998) A teenage Knoxville boy read in an adult magazine that you could hook a cow heart up to a battery and create an organic sex toy. Thinking to improve on the original model, he hooked it up to the household current, electrocuting himself and setting fire to his house. (Italy 1997) A man was found naked and dead with an unidentifiable mass attached to his penis. The coroner examined the man and, in a brilliant display of detective work, determined that he had connected the heart of a cow to electric cables, and plugged the apparatus into a normal 220V outlet. He then tried to have sex with this quickly-pumping toy, and was killed by the electricity unleashed by the object he had created. Also read: Mr. Happy http://DarwinAwards.com/stupid/stupid2000-05.html?0006 Mis-Steak http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1998-12.html?0006 Gun-Totin' Granny http://DarwinAwards.com/legends/legends2000-01.html?0006 #2 -- The number two way to guarantee injury is to show off for friends. Little larks like swallowing goldfish, kissing a snake, or spitting off a balcony on a dare. Try to remember that stupid is not cool, guys. GUY GULPS GOLDFISH Confirmed True by Darwin Hungry or just plain stupid? January 29, 1998, was a fateful day for Michael. He was shooting the breeze with a group of men, watching a friend clean his fish tank. Alcoholic beverages may have been present. The friend complained that one fish in particular had become a menace. It had outgrown the tank and was eating other specimens. Egged on by a dare, Michael, who had swallowed smaller fish before, volunteered to assist. He seized the 5-inch fish and attempted to swallow it. Unfortunately, it stuck in his throat. As Michael gasped futilely for breath, turned blue, and sank to his knees, his three friends realized that something was amiss. They contacted 911 and informed the dispatcher that Michael had eaten some fish, and was having trouble breathing. Paramedics were quickly dispatched. They arrived to find the fish tail still protruding from the victim's mouth. Despite their best efforts, the 23-year-old could not be resuscitated. The killer fish had claimed one last victim. Although the friends did not attempt the Heimlich maneuver or administer CPR, Akron, Ohio police said it was unlikely that murder charges would be filed. "If I dare you to jump off a bridge and you do it, you're stupid," police Maj. Mike Matulavich said. Apparently Michael was not a victim of homicide, he was just a Darwin Awards contender. Also read: Kiss Bites Back http://DarwinAwards.com/stupid/stupid1999-10.html?0006 Dead Spitter http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1999-21.html?0006 #3 -- The number three way to sustain damage is to lose your wits over a woman. Pleading your love with a chainsaw, fighting with her in the car, or solving an argument using brute force all can get you hurt. Women prefer a cooler head, so give these up! WIFE TOSSING IN BUENOS AIRES Confirmed True by Darwin (Buenos Aires 1998) Did he win the argument? It happened in February 1998 in a working-class Boedo neighborhood. During a heated marital dispute, a 25-year-old man picked up his 20-year-old wife and threw her off their eighth-floor apartment balcony. To his dismay, she became tangled in the power lines below. He immediately leapt from the balcony and fell towards his wife. We can only speculate as to his reasons. Was he angrily trying to finish the job, or was he remorsefully hoping to rescue her? He did not accomplish either goal. He missed the power lines completely, and plunged to his death. The woman managed to swing over to a nearby balcony and was saved. (18 May 1999, Panama City) In a similar story, a Dominican woman exacted her dying revenge on her boyfriend, who tossed her off their third-floor balcony, by dragging him down with her. Maria Mendez, 32, was killed instantly in the fall. Her boyfriend, Luis Alberto Camargo, was rushed to a nearby hospital in serious condition. According to neighbors, the confrontation occurred early Tuesday morning after Camargo, 30, discovered Mendez in a local bar. The two returned to their apartment and exchanged harsh words, which culminated in the fateful plunge. Also read: Maine Chainsaw Romance http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1999-19.html?0006 Avoiding a Fight http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1999-53.html?0006 Lightning Date http://DarwinAwards.com/legends/legends1998-02.html?0006 #4 -- The number four way to destroy your health is to be a sexual voyeur, like this Tampuchea Prison warden. PEEPER PLUMMETS Confirmed True by Darwin (Mexico 1999) A Mexican jail guard died from an excess of zeal while supervising an inmate's conjugal visit. Raul Zarate Diaz was closely watching his charge from the roof of the prison when he tripped over an air vent, crashed through the skylight, and fell 23 feet to land beside the bed where the inmate and his wife were, against all odds, enjoying an intimate moment. The interrupted prisoner, offended by the intrusion, attempted to start a riot, but was squelched by prison security. Prisoners in the Tapachula facility reported that Diaz was in the habit of prowling the prison roof during conjugal visits, in search of prisoners to supervise. Local law enforcement reported that the guard was clutching a pornographic magazine, which was retained as evidence, and binoculars, whose sentimental value led to them being given back to the family of the deceased. #5 -- The number five dangerous lifestyle habit is to live on the wrong side of the law. Stealing cars, stealing tires, and stealing trailers are not ways to stay healthy. MODUS OPERANDI MISFIRES Confirmed True by Darwin (Pennsylvania 1998) Randy Nestor, 28, was a considerate car thief. When the stolen cars became hot, he didn't just abandon them, he torched them. Setting the cars on fire, he reasoned, helped the owners collect insurance on their vehicles. This criminal habit became his downfall. After a 10-year career of theft, Randy burned to death in Pittsburgh in a van which he had set fire to from the inside. He hadn't realized that the door handle on the driver's side was broken. Friends tried to release him, but the door was locked. His burned body was found inside the van on Sunday. Also read: Tired to Death http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin2000-13.html?0006 Three Times a Loser http://DarwinAwards.com/stupid/stupid2000-10.html?0006 #6 -- And the sixth most common way to ruin your health is to die while working, like Manhole Man and the Smoking Bomb Squad. HARD WORK REWARDS Confirmed True by Darwin (Georgia 1999) Fred Brooks of Forest Park, a 46 year old plumber seeking employment, used shovels to remove a manhole cover on a street and entered the aperture. In Fred's haste to identify the source of a sewer blockage, he neglected to set orange warning cones. Upon exiting the manhole, he was struck by the undercarriage of an oncoming car, and was killed. Also read: Intelligence Blunders http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1999-34.html?0006 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ * * * Darwin Awards Newsletter -- 15 June 2000 TIME FOR MORE DARWIN AWARDS! What are they? Darwin Awards celebrate Charles Darwin's theory of evolution by commemorating the remains of those who contributed to the improvement of our gene pool by removing themselves from it. The following stories are some of the finest examples of evolution in action. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ LOVE CRUSHED SEX Confirmed True by Darwin Why you shouldn't trust the star of a snuff flick. Florida's Okeechobee County investigators believe the death of Bryan, 28, was related to his wife's habit of stomping rabbits and mice for sexual pleasure. Stephanie, 29, was sentenced to two years of probation and community service for the death of her husband Bryan, who was found in a pit with a board over his body, crushed beneath the rear wheel of his sports utility vehicle. Stephanie did not deny that she drove over her husband, but in her own defense she released tapes to the police showing her stomping small mammals to death. Such "crush" videos are sold to people who derive sexual pleasure from the sight of death, especially at the hands of a woman. "It was abhorrent and cruel," said Assistant State Attorney Bernard Romero. "My first instinct was to seek the maximum penalty." But Stephanie contended that she was an unwilling participant in the videos, and had been beaten many times by her husband prior to his bizarre death. Stephanie was charged in July with two counts of felony animal cruelty, which were later reduced to misdemeanors. As for her husband, his death under the wheels of his car was presumably a loving sex act between consenting adults. But a man who would lie in a special pit while a woman he groomed for "crush" videos drove over him, shouldn't be surprised when he winds up holding a Darwin Award. VOTE: http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1999-57.html?0006 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Also read: BREATHARIANISM: Millions of anorexics and third-world children have tried, but "Living on Light" instead of food just doesn't pay. http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1999-58.html?0006 HOME GROWN PARACHUTE: Trusting yourself is one thing, but even Martha Stewart would think twice before jumping with this hand made parachute. http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin2000-19.html?0006 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ COMPACTED IGNORANCE 2000 Personal Account More proof that prisoners swim in the shallow end of the gene pool. We nurses at the Indian Wabash Valley Correctional Facility in Carlisle have to examine and treat any injuries that occur in the prison during our shift, no matter how outrageous or compromising the offender's situation. One day, the lock-down alarm sounded. An offender was missing, and thought to be an escapee. An hour later, the lock-down ended and we received a call to report to the SHU (segregated housing unit) where the escapee was in need of treatment. We found him lying on a table, crying, curled in a fetal position. The offender had crafted what seemed to him to be a perfect escape. He worked in the garbage detail, and recruited two other trash collectors to help him escape in the garbage truck. A garbage truck! Who would think to look there? He asked his two collaborators to bag him up with the trash, load him into the trash compactor, and throw him in the truck with the rest of the trash. Now, imagine that you are in a maximum security prison with murderers and rapists. And imagine that you are going to allow, even encourage, two prisoners to seal you in a plastic bag, and put that plastic bag into a very powerful trash compactor. What kind of illogic is that? The schemer didn't die, but he was a bit squished. His back was never quite the same afterwards. If his conspirators hadn't put trash in the bag with him, he could have actually won an award instead of just an Honorable Mention. VOTE: http://DarwinAwards.com/personal/personal2000-18.html?0006 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Also read: FISHMAN: Not only fish swim upstream to return to their homes. http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin1995-05.html?0006 REVENGE OF THE GOPHER: If you thought this was an Urban Legend, you were wrong. Caddyshack in real life! http://DarwinAwards.com/stupid/stupid2000-15.html?0006 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Brewery Mishap Personal Account My great-uncle worked at a brewery in Melbourne, Australia around the turn of the century. Whilst inspecting one of the vats, he lost his footing and fell headlong into the vat. This is more dangerous than it sounds. Beer contains ethanol, which has a lower density than water. He was unable to swim to the surface, drowned before rescuers could assist him. The worst thing about it, they say, is that the entire batch of beer had to be thrown out with him. Quite true. VOTE: http://DarwinAwards.com/personal/personal2000-19.html?0006 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Baby You Drive Me Crazy Confirmed True by Darwin Full speed ahead! A young couple was killed in a freak car accident in Chieti, Italy this weekend. Germano and Franciska were discovered almost completely naked, and investigators assume they were having sex in their small Italian vehicle while it raced along Abruzzan roads at upwards of 80mph. Italian youngsters commonly use their cars for romantic trysts when parents forbid sex before marriage. But it is a mystery why this pair chose sex in a car travelling at high speeds over country roads. Germano lost control of the car in a bend, and the 27-year old man and his 20-year-old paramour were killed by the impact. VOTE: http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin2000-21.html?0006 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Also read: OUR BRIGHTEST CHEERLEADERS: Few women contend for the Darwin Awards. These teen girls couldn't leave well enough alone, when they came face to face with a flammable gas on their way to the beach. http://DarwinAwards.com/stupid/stupid2000-14.html?0006 INSTANT SUNRISE: Be glad, be very glad, our nuclear weapons Arsenal isn't armed. http://DarwinAwards.com/personal/personal2000-21.html?0006 Copyright DarwinAwards.com (c) 2000 All Rights Reserved +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++