Darwin Awards Newsletter -- 1 April 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Subscribe! subscribe@darwinawards.com Cancel? cancel@darwinawards.com +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ WHAT ARE THE DARWIN AWARDS? Darwin Awards celebrate Charles Darwin's theory of evolution by commemorating the remains of individuals who contribute to the improvement of our gene pool by removing themselves from it in really stupid ways. IN THIS NEWSLETTER ISSUE: -- Darwin Award: FATHER DOESN'T KNOW BEST -- Honorable Mention: PICK YOUR TARGET -- Personal Account: BUG REPELLENT WELCOME to 65,712 newsletter subscribers! Last Month's Poll: "How long will it take humans to evolve so far that we run out of Darwin Awards nominees?"The overwhelming majority declared, "It will never happen!"I can tell you have an abiding faith in the fallability of human nature. In other news: I redesigned the website navigation system, making it easier for you to browse through the stories and find the information you need. I had to work out the bugs during a huge influx of new readers from MSN's Daily Diversion. Oops! Anyway, come explore the new layout and read all 15 new stories - five Darwin Awards, five Honorable Mentions, and five enthralling Personal Accounts. And register to WIN A FREE T-Shirt or Darwin Fish! http://www.darwinawards.com/free.html?0004 -- Webmaster Wendy +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ FATHER DOESN'T KNOW BEST 2000 Darwin Award Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (13 March 2000 New Jersey) It started out like a scene from The Brady Bunch. Andrew and his fiancée were living together with his three children and her three children in Dover Township, when an argument over chocolate cake icing erupted. Andrew accused his 10-year-old son of taking the missing container, and the two became embroiled in a heated disagreement. Andrew took the boy out to the garage for a more private discussion, and there the conversation became even more emotional. Then the man made his fatal mistake. He handed a 5-inch kitchen knife to his angry son, and challenged the boy to stab him if he hated him so much. The boy put the knife down, but Andrew picked it up and placed it in his hand again. In the heat of the moment, the outraged boy took him up on the offer and plunged the knife into his chest. The deadly blow happened so fast that Andrew's watching fiancée was unable to stop it. Andrew was pronounced dead at Community Medical Center. The fourth-grader was charged with manslaughter and illegal possession of a weapon, and held in the county's juvenile detention center. Although he faces up to three years imprisonment, Ocean County prosecutor E. David Millard said it was unlikely that he would serve jail time, as the boy had been provoked. He added that there had been a buildup of emotional turmoil between the boy and his father. The dead man's last words were, "Would you believe the kid did that?" www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Vote on the Darwin Awards at http://www.darwinawards.com/?0004 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ PICK YOUR TARGET Honorable Mention Confirmed True by Darwin A professional French pickpocket used astoundingly poor judgement when selecting his most recent victim at the Seville Airport in 1999. The thief, who specializes in international events that attract crowds of visitors, thought he was in his element when he circled a group of young men and chose his prey. Little did he realize that he was dipping into the bag of Larry Wade, champion 110-meter hurdler for the US Athletic team. He was also spotted by Maurice Green, the fastest sprinter on Earth, capable of running 100 meters in 9.79 seconds. The two athletes quickly chased down the thief despite his hefty head start. The pickpocket attempted to pretend that he was just an innocent French tourist, but the entire episode was captured on film by a Spanish television crew that had been interviewing Mr. Greene at the time. "He chose the wrong man," deadpanned a spokesman for the Civil Guard. www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ BUG REPELLENT 2000 Personal Account from Bill Love I was in high school in 1972, and had only recently moved to Florida. One summer evening I took a drive across Alligator Alley, the highway traversing the Everglades in southern Florida. I saw so many snakes crossing the pavement that I decided to return the next night to collect some. I figured the best way to do it would be to sit on the car hood while my friend drove slowly along. When I spied a snake, I'd pound on the hood to alert my pal, and hop off to grab it. Few supplies were needed for this mini-expedition: a pillow sack to hold the snakes and a flashlight to spot them. The mosquitoes would probably be thick again, so I'd bring plenty of repellent, too. My family kept the bug spray in the dark storage area under the kitchen sink, along with many other common household products. In a hurry, I spied the familiar letters O-F-F, grabbed the aerosol canister, and zoomed down to the 'Glades. I couldn't wait to start the hunt. But since I was wearing shorts, I did pause long enough to holler to my friend to toss me the spray. I applied copious amounts to first one thigh, then the other. Then... Yow! Suddenly the foam of a thousand scrubbing bubbles was frying my skin. I thought I was on fire, but couldn't guess the reason as I ran to the nearby canal and jumped in, hoping a large 'gator wasn't parked there at the moment. The water eased the pain, and after some intense rubbing I finally limped back to the car. My friend was laughing his ass off as he handed me the aerosol can I had dropped in my haste. He shone his flashlight on its label. That industrial strength bug repellent was so powerful, it would probably have driven off hungry alligators! It was Easy-OFF oven cleaner. The skin on my thighs eventually sloughed off and healed. Despite this incident, hunting for snakes has been a lifelong passion. www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ MORE NEW STORIES at http://www.darwinawards.com/?0004 -- Tired of it All -- The Daily Grind -- What's That Ringing? -- Crappy Driving Award -- Mr. Happy's Vacuum -- Wile E. Coyote Of Burglars -- Concealed Weapon -- I Just Flicked My Bic! -- The Egg Factory -- Testing the Waters -- Surprise Flush -- Medic! +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ * * * Subject: Darwin Awards Newsletter -- 15 April 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Subscribe! subscribe@darwinawards.com Cancel? cancel@darwinawards.com +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ WHAT ARE THE DARWIN AWARDS? Darwin Awards celebrate Charles Darwin's theory of evolution by commemorating the remains of individuals who contribute to the improvement of our gene pool by removing themselves from it in really insipid ways. IN THIS NEWSLETTER ISSUE: -- Darwin Award: -- Darwin Award: -- Honorable Mention: -- Personal Account: FINAL FLICK OF BIC WELCOME TO 69,174 newsletter subscribers! This month we inagurate a new German newsletter. Fish and his volunteers are going crazy on the German section. Since January they have translated nearly 100 pages. Stop by and see what's new! To sign up for the German-language newsletter, send an email to subscribe-deutsch@darwinawards.com. MARCH GIVEAWAY WINNERS are Eli A. Miletich won a T-Shirt and Kevin S. Morgan won a Darwin Fish. Come by and enter to win: http://www.DarwinAwards.com/free.html?0004 Haiku from the Philosophy Forum: Stupidity dies. The end of future offspring. Evolution wins. Stupidity kills. Absolute stupidity Kills absolutely. Dodo is extinct. Rhino's sitting on the brink. You're next, save you think. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ STONED SLEEP 2000 Darwin Award Confirmed True by Darwin (26 March 2000, South Carolina) A North Carolina woman learned a hard lesson about drugs when she decided to sleep on the roof. Police reports say that Patricia and her boyfriend had been drinking and smoking marijuana, when they decided to enjoy the fresh air on the roof of the King Charles Inn. They climbed over a guard rail with pillows and blankets, and fell asleep under the stars. Sound asleep, apparently. Patricia slid off the roof and fell to her death on Hasell Street shortly before dawn on Sunday. When police arrived at the scene, the boyfriend was found still sleeping on the roof, curled up in a blanket and pillow. The death has been ruled accidental, but we feel that the blame belongs to the stoned woman who chose to snooze on the roof. www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Vote on the Darwin Awards at http://www.darwinawards.com/?0004 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ MAN FALLS FOR KISS 2000 Darwin Award Confirmed True by Darwin (23 March 2000, California) A 36-year-old biochemist who was dying to see the legendary rock band KISS on their farewell tour got his wish. Shawn traveled from Calistoga to the Oakland Coliseum, and was enjoying the show, except for one little problem. He was dissatisfied with his seat in the top row of the stadium. He climbed a 7-foot wall to gain a better view of the stage - only to inadvertently discover a new seat three stories below. The group he had traveled to the concert with had no idea he was missing, until the show ended and the police began asking questions. That's when they learned that Shawn had mistaken a curtain for a solid wall, leaned back, and fallen to his death on an escalator 100 feet below. A police spokesman described the site of the accident as "a good place to obtain a better view." www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Vote on the Darwin Awards at http://www.darwinawards.com/?0004 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ FINAL FLICK OF BIC 2000 Personal Account A friend of mine was a missionary in Indonesia in the late 1970's. Although he was there mainly to preach, he was also employed by the local oil refinery. Indonesia, like many former colonies, had nationalized their petroleum industry with the intention of keeping the profits closer to home. Unfortunately, because the previous supervisors were from the United States, most of the equipment was labeled in English. Since few of the locals had a good grasp of the language, my friend was hired to tutor the new workers. One day, he noticed a great deal of commotion at the refinery gate. He became concerned when only a handful of people showed up for his class. He asked his obviously shaken students if anything untoward had happened. They explained that they had just come from a mandatory safety demonstration. They were so upset that all he could make out was something about a broken tank and the Safety Inspector giving a "big showing". Maybe it was their English, or lack thereof, but "big showing" was putting it mildly. After lecturing for an hour, the Safety Inspector had taken 20 workers out into an open field to demonstrate what NOT to do around an oxygen cylinder. He admonished his students to stand way back, and he would show them how something they couldn't see or smell could hurt them. You've probably guessed by now. The instructor took a Bic lighter from his pocket, opened the petcock on the tank. In a final dramatic gesture, he flicked his Bic... It was a most effective demonstration, since the largest piece of the Safety Engineer found afterwards was about the size of a postage stamp. On the way back to the Mission, my friend had to stop for a few moments after almost falling off his scooter while remembering his students' earnest explanation of the unfortunate event. "The tank was boom and Inspector was not so good after that!" www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ MORE NEW STORIES at http://www.darwinawards.com/?0004 -- Dive to Death -- Power of Satan? -- Don't Mess With Mama -- Armed and Dangerous? -- Explosive Mix of Girls -- March 2000 Mishaps -- Power Plant Fitness Freak -- It Gets Worse... Regards, Darwin http://www.DarwinAwards.com +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ____ _ _ _ | _ \ __ _ _ ____ _(_)_ __ / \__ ____ _ _ __ __| |___ | | | |/ _` | '__\ \ /\ / / | '_ \ / _ \ \ /\ / / _` | '__/ _` / __| | |_| | (_| | | \ V V /| | | | |/ ___ \ V V / (_| | | | (_| \__ \ |____/ \__,_|_| \_/\_/ |_|_| |_/_/ \_\_/\_/ \__,_|_| \__,_|___/ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++