Darwin Awards Newsletter -- November 1999 THE DARWIN AWARDS What Are They? The Darwin Awards recognize evolution in action by commemorating the remains of individuals who inadvertently kill themselves by their own stupidity, thereby improving the contents of our gene pool. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Visit the Darwin Awards at http://www.darwinawards.com/?1199 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ BRIEFS BEAT BREATHALYZER 1999 Stupidity Award High school students burst into gales of laughter when testimony revealed that a Stettler man had eaten his underwear while under arrest, in the vain hope that it would absorb alcohol before he took a breathalyzer test. The defendant, an 18-year-old man named Daniel, was collared by a constable when he fled from his vehicle after being pulled over for erratic highway driving. The constable testified that Daniel ripped the crotch out of his shorts and stuffed the fabric in his mouth while sitting in the back of the patrol car. The Breathalyzer registered 0.08% blood alcohol, the legal limit, and prosecutors were unable to convict Daniel of driving under the influence. Guffawing 11th and 12th grade law students, unable to maintain their composure, were escorted from the courtroom by their instructor. To seal Daniel's humiliation, his photograph appeared in a local newspaper the next day. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Vote on the Darwin Awards at http://www.darwinawards.com/?1199 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ LIVING ON ZIONIST TIME 1999 Darwin Award Nominees The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ More Darwin Awards at http://www.darwinawards.com/?1199 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ YOSEMITE PARACHUTE SAFETY 1999 Darwin Award Nominee Yosemite National Park bans parachuting from its majestic cliffs, citing the dangers inherent in practice. But those cliffs are too challenging for BASE jumpers to ignore. Every year, men and women surreptitiously prepare for daredevil plunges into the abyss. Every year, park rangers hunt them down, confiscate their gear, arrest them, and fine them $2000. On this fateful day in evolutionary history, some activists arranged a parachuting demonstration to showcase the safety of BASE-jumping. A group of five climbed 3200-foot El Capitan Peak, while hundreds of people watched from below. One by one they jumped over the edge, pulled their ripcords, and floated safely to the valley floor. Until our candidate, a grandmother with a borrowed parachute, leapt off the cliff and plummeted directly into the ground. Her death was captured on film by her husband. Adventure Athletes arranged the jumps with grudging cooperation from park officials, who were concerned for the safety of visitors in the vicinity of the drop zone. The protesters agreed to be arrested and fined after the jump, and have their equipment confiscated. The deceased, an experienced sky diver prominent in the extreme- sports community, had been loathe to part with her valuable equipment. She borrowed an inexpensive parachute with a ripcord on the leg, rather than the back, and was unable to find the cord in mid-air. Placing financial considerations above safety concerns cost her her life. She landed on a huge pile of talus at El Capitan's base. BASE jumping (building, antenna, span, earth) is technically difficult because the jump-off point is close to the ground and is performed in tighter spaces. Six jumpers have died in Yosemite, including a parachutist who drowned in the Merced River on June 9th while eluding park rangers. Her husband vows to continue the protest against the BASE-jumping ban, thus qualifying for an Honorable Mention. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Read more ludicrous tales at http://www.darwinawards.com/?1199 Man Glued to Rhino Buttocks Hippo on Dwarf Diet Pumpkin Patch Pervert Halloween Pumpkin Award Fun with Forklifts +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Visit Darwin Awards at http://www.darwinawards.com/?1199 Subscribe! news@darwinawards.com (Subject: Subscribe) Cancel? news@darwinawards.com (Subject: Cancel) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++