Darwin Awards Newsletter -- September 1999 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Visit Darwin Awards at Subscribe! news@darwinawards.com (Subject: Subscribe) Cancel? news@darwinawards.com (Subject: Cancel) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Come listen to a REALAudio presentation of PACHYDERM PROBLEM! Thanks to all kind people who sent in insanities for the archives. I exhort all to maintain vigilance, and send news when you can. Those who find Darwin Awards atrocious can read the new flames page! Darwin Awards Newsletter © 1999 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Official Mid-Year Winner Announced! KILLER WHALE RODEO 1999 Darwin Award Winner (6 July 1999, Florida) A naked man was found dead on the back of a killer whale at Sea World in Orlando on Tuesday morning, a victim of drowning or hypothermia in the 55-degree water. "There were no obvious signs of trauma. He wasn't chewed or dismembered," the sheriff's office said. The body had scrapes on it, possibly signifying that the victim had been dragged along the bottom of the tank. Is a man who swims with Orcas worthy of a Darwin Award? Insights into his bizarre history may help us decide. He was identified as a marijuana-smoking drifter named Daniel. The South Carolina native carried a tattered Florida DMV card in the name of Lenny Savino. Police traced the address to a Hare Krishna temple in Miami. Priest Paul Seaur provided insights into Daniel's month-long stay with the community of six worshippers. He had a great love of nature, writing in his journal and feeding wild birds in the temple garden. Daniel had difficulty adjusting to the religion's 4AM wake-up time, their dietary prohibitions, and their abstinence from liquor, drugs, sex, and gambling. He preferred to dodge work and meditate in the chapel listening to heavy metal music. Daniel unexpectedly announced that he was taking a vow of silence, which puzzled the Hare Krishnas, since their religion does not urge its members to be silent. He left abruptly in the spring, saying, "I want to be free. I want to travel around." Daniel left a string of petty offences throughout South Carolina, Washington, Texas and Florida. Just days before his death, he had completed a three day sentence to the Indian River County Jail for stealing a 3-Musketeers candy bar from 7-Eleven. He resumed his vow of silence in court. "The suspect could not speak," a Vero Beach officer reported, and used paper and pen to deny the charge. Three days later, our intrepid stoner gained admittance to SeaWorld and loitered near the whale pools until 10PM closing, evading the 24-hour security. After stripping to his bathing trunks, he scaled a 3-foot plexiglas barrier, crossed a short stone wall, and climbed into Tillikum's frigid enclosure using steps ringing the 80x100-foot pool. An employee spotted Daniel's nude form draped just below Tillikum's dorsal fin at 7:35AM. His swimming shorts were found elsewhere in the tank. Tillikum apparently tried to remove his shorts with his razor sharp teeth, the medical examiner said. The nature lover left few clues about his state of mind when he decided to commune with a carnivore the size of a bus. A joint was found inside his pile of clothes, but no admission ticket to SeaWorld. Anonymous park workers made a surprise announcement that this was not the first time Daniel had communed with sea mammals. Two years ago, they recall that he jumped into the manatee tank, which is filled with warmer water and less offensive creatures. Tillikum is a fecund marine predator, and the sire of four calves born during his breeding stay in Florida. In a comparison between Tillikum and Daniel, it's clear who is higher on the evolutionary scale. Darwin Awards Newsletter © 1999 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ CANNIBALS EAT MISSIONARY AND FAMILY Darwin Awards Urban Legend (26 June 1999, New Guinea) The ill-fated Reverend Newton Day was determined to bring religion to a tribe of satanic cannibals. He dragged his fearful wife and daughters into the jungles of New Guinea, where Tuoari tribesmen ate them all. Concerned locals said, "We tried to tell him that Tuoaris don't want missionaries. They are perfectly happy worshiping the devil and eating any juicy white man who comes along." Newton, a self-ordained minister of his own Blessed Children Church, left Melbourne, Australia with his wife Pauline and daughters Paulette, Alicia and Sara. His sister begged him not to risk his babies' lives like that. "But he said the cannibals would love his kids, and that would make his job even easier." "Neighboring tribes say that the preacher and his family were in the stewpot before he ever got his Bible out of his duffel bag," Detective Ike C. Doka reported. "The Tuoaris ate like kings and danced all night long." Darwin Awards Newsletter © 1999 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ PHILOSOPHY Cell Phones Illegal while Pumping Gas Truth is stranger than fiction! Acting on false rumors that cell phone sparks are dangerous near flammable fumes, a Chicago suburb criminalized the use of a cell phone while pumping gas. Should this municipality recieve a group Darwin Award? Darwin Awards Newsletter © 1999 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ And yes! 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